3ILL 


STORIES 
AFTER 
DINNER 


UCSB  tiBRARV 


,  H-E-L-L-O 
u         BILL! 


A  BOOK  OF 
AFTER-DINNER 
STORIES 


DODGE  PUBLISHING   COMPANY 

220  EAST  23D  STREET,    NEW  YORK 


Copyright,     1915, 
By  Dodge  Publishing  Co. 


fiello  mil 


THE  ARM  OF  THE  LAW 

In  a  certain  Canadian  city,  a  lady  was  defend- 
ing an  action  for  a  large  sum  of  money  which 
she  felt  she  was  not  morally  entitled  to  pay. 
When  it  looked  as  if  the  case  would  go  against 
her,  she  sold  all  her  real  estate  and  put  the 
proceeds,  some  $15,000  or  more,  in  her  pocket- 
book  —  which  in  her  case,  as  is  the  custom  with 
some  women,  was  her  stocking.  The  judgment 
was  given  against  her  and  because  she  would 
not  pay  nor  tell  where  the  money  was,  she  was 
sent  to  jail  for  a  year.  Her  counsel  tried  to 
get  her  released.  The  following  conversation 
formed  part  of  the  proceedings:  "  You  admit," 
said  the  judge,  "  that  this  woman  had  property 
to  the  value  of  $15,000?  "  "  Yes,  your  honor," 
said  the  counsel.  "  And  you  admit  that  she 
sold  the  property  and  put  the  money  in  her 
5 


stocking?  "  "  Yes,  my  lord."  "  And  do  you 
mean  to  tell  me  that  the  arm  of  the  law  is  not 
long  enough  to  reach  it?  " 

EXERCISE  AND  FOOD 

"  What  do  you  want? "  demanded  Mr. 
Newlywed  as  he  confronted  the  tramp  at  the 
door  of  the  bungalow;  "  breakfast  or  work?  " 

"  Both,  sir,"  replied  the  wayfarer  timidly. 

"  Well,  eat  that,"  returned  the  other  savagely, 
handing  out  a  biscuit  and  piece  of  steak,  "  and 
you'll  have  both." 

Whereupon  Mrs.  Newlywed  glanced  reproach- 
fully at  her  husband,  for  he  was  giving  away 
the  first  fruits  of  her  culinary  studies  at  the 
cooking  school. 

THE  "STILL  SMALL  VOICE" 

The  moral  of  this  story  may  be  that  it  is 
better  to  heed  the  warnings  of  the  "  still  small 
voice  "  before  it  is  driven  to  the  use  of  the 
telephone. 

A  New  York  lawyer,  gazing  idly  out  of  his 

window,  saw  a  sight  in  an  office  across  the  street 

that  made  him  rub  his  eyes  and  look  again. 

Yes,  there  was  no  doubt  about  it.     The  pretty 

6 


stenographer  was  sitting  upon  the  gentleman's 
lap.  The  lawyer  noticed  the  name  that  was 
lettered  on  the  window  and  then  searched  in 
the  telephone  book.  Still  keeping  his  eye  upon 
the  scene  across  the  street,  he  called  the  gentle- 
man up.  In  a  few  moments  he  saw  him  start 
violently  and  take  down  the  receiver. 

"  Yes,"  said  the  lawyer  through  the  tele- 
phone, "  I  should  think  you  would  start." 

The  victim  whisked  his  arm  from  its  former 
position  and  began  to  stammer  something. 

"  Yes,"  continued  the  lawyer  severely,  "  I 
think  you'd  better  take  that  arm  away.  And 
while  you're  about  it,  as  long  as  there  seems 
to  be  plenty  of  chairs  in  the  room  —  " 

The  victim  brushed  the  lady  from  his  lap, 
rather  roughly,  it  is  to  be  feared.     "  Who  — 
who  the  devil  is  this,  anyhow?  "  he  managed  to 
splutter. 

"  I,"  answered  the  lawyer  in  deep,  impress- 
ive tones,  "  am  your  conscience!  " 

WHO'S  GOVERNOR? 

While  Governor  Wilson  of  Kentucky  was 
housebound  last  whiter,  owing  to  a  strained 
tendon  hi  his  leg,  he  was  attended  by  "  Jim," 
who  had  been  general  factotum  to  many  gov- 

7 


mm 

ernors,  and  who  was  a  source  of  much  fun 
among  the  State  House  attaches.  The  lame 
leg  caused  the  governor  to  move  his  office 
temporarily  to  the  mansion,  where  he  received 
many  delegations.  On  one  occasion  Mrs.  Wil- 
son had  waited  luncheon  for  thirty  minutes, 
and  she  told  His  Excellency  that  he  must  come 
down  and  eat  with  her.  "  My  dear,"  said  Mr. 
Wilson,  "just  as  soon  as  I  see  that  delegation 
of  men  downstairs,  I'll  be  with  you."  Mrs. 
Wilson  was  determined,  and  said:  "  Jim,  you 
go  down  and  tell  them  to  wait."  "  Jim," 
frowned  the  governor,  as  that  worthy  started 
off  to  obey  the  mistress  of  the  mansion  — 
"  Jim,  you  know  who  is  governor,  don't  you?  " 
"  Yas,  suh,"  grinned  Jim,  with  seeming  inno- 
cence, "  yas,  suh,  I'll  go  down  and  tell  the 
gemmen  to  wait,  suh." 

SHE  WAS  TOO  QUICK 

There  were  three  at  the  little  table  hi  the 
cafe,  a  lady  and  two  men.  Suddenly  the  elec- 
tric lights  went  out,  and  the  lady,  quickly  and 
noiselessly,  drew  back. 

An  instant  later  there  was  the  smack  of  a 
compound   kiss.      As    the  electric   lights   went 
up  each  man  was  seen  smiling  complacently. 
8 


"  I  thought  I  heard  a  kiss,"  said  the  lady; 
"  but  nobody  kissed  me." 

Then  the  men  suddenly  glared  at  each  other 
and  flushed  and  looked  painfully  sheepish. 

AN  IMPERILED  TREASURE 

Indignant  Wife:  That  new  chauffeur  has 
only  just  brought  the  children  and  me  home  and 
now  he's  taken  the  cook  out  for  a  spin. 

Husband:  Great  Heavens!  He  doesn't 
half  know  how  to  manage  a  car  and  she's  the 
first  decent  cook  we've  had  hi  a  year. 

WHERE  BAD  GIRLS  GO 

"  Darling,  where  do  good  little  girls  go? " 
asked  a  Bolckow  mother  of  her  young  hopeful. 
"  To  heaven,"  replied  the  child.  "  And  where 
do  the  bad  little  girls  go?  "  asked  the  mother. 
"  To  the  depot  to  see  the  traveling  men  come 
in." 

ANNOUNCEMENT 

The  young  minister  temporarily  officiating 
at  Hankins's  Falls  for  the  summer  met  Ehud 
Leffingwell  as  he  was  walking  to  church  on 
Sunday  morning. 

"  How  do,  Mister  Leffingwell? "  he  cried, 
9 


mm 

cheerfully.  "  Going  to  church  this  beautiful 
morning?  " 

"  Hay?  "  asked  Ehud,  who  was  pretty  hard 
of  hearing.  "  Hay?  " 

"  Are  --  you  --  coming  --  to  —  church?  " 
roared  the  minister. 

"  Nuh,"  Ehud  responded.  "  Lookin'  fer 
my  caow.  She  must  'a'  got  out  the  barn  las' 
night.  Unhooked  the  hasp,  I  cal'late,  an'  jest 
strayed  —  " 

"  Come  —  on  —  to  church,"  the  minister 
shouted  cordially,  "  and  after  preaching  I'll 
tell  the  congregation,  and  they'll  help  you. 
You'll  get  your  cow  much  quicker." 

"  B' jocks!  I'll  go  ye,"  said  Ehud,  heartily, 
and  he  fell  into  step  with  the  young  minister. 
At  the  church  door  he  was  overcome  by 
modesty  and,  declaring  that  he  didn't  have  his 
Sunday-go- to-mee tin'  clothes  on,  insisted  upon 
sitting  in  one  of  the  most  distant  pews. 

He  didn't  hear  the  sermon  at  all,  but  he  could 
tell  when  it  was  over  by  seeing  the  young  minis- 
ter fold  up  his  manuscript  and  put  it  away. 
This  done,  the  young  man  began  to  make  an- 
nouncements. Ehud  raised  his  right  hand  in  a 
great  leathery  scoop  behind  his  ear,  but  still 
he  heard  nothing. 

10 


mm 

"  My  dear  friends,"  said  the  minister,  "  it 
affords  me  great  pleasure  to  tell  you  that  on 
Tuesday  evening  next,  at  the  hour  of  six  o'clock, 
there  will  be  celebrated  at  the  home  of  the 
bride's  parents  the  wedding  of  Mr.  Edward 
Stoutenboro,  one  of  our  most  esteemed  and 
promising  young  men,  and  that  charming,  es- 
timable young  lady  —  as  beautiful  as  she  is 
good  —  Miss  Mehitabel  Dodsworth." 

As  the  minister  ceased,  everybody  was  as- 
tonished to  see  Ehud  Leffingwell  arise  in  his 
pew. 

"  An'  ye  might  add,  parson,"  he  shouted, 
"that  her  eyes  ain't  mates  an'  she's  a  leetle  mite 
lame  hi  the  off  hind  leg." 

REGULAR  ATTENDANT 

The  business  manager  for  David  Warfield 
brought  In  from  the  road  the  story  of  the  man- 
ager of  a  thrilling  melodrama,  in  one  scene  of 
which  a  husband  enters  one  door  an  instant 
after  an  admirer  of  his  wife  has  made  his  exit 
from  another.  During  a  run  of  a  week  hi  one 
city  the  manager  noticed  that  one  man,  ob- 
viously from  the  country,  went  in  every  night. 
Finally  he  remarked  to  the  man  that  he  must 
enjoy  the  performance.  "  Tolerably  so,"  re- 
11 


mill 

plied  the  playgoer,  "  but  some  night  that  hus- 
band is  going  to  catch  that  other  feller,  and  I 
want  to  be  on  hand  to  see  what  happens." 

ALL  CREDITED 

All  stories  told  relative  to  incidents  that 
occur  at  the  gate  of  the  celestial  city  are  not 
veracious,  but  this  one  has  the  semblance  of 
truth. 

A  broker  who  had  made  his  mark  in  Wall 
Street  sought  admission  at  the  pearly  gates. 

"  Who  are  you?  "  said  St.  Peter. 

"  I'm  a  Wall  Street  broker." 

"  What  do  you  want?  " 

"  I  want  to  get  in." 

"  What  have  you  done  that  entitles  you  to 
admission?  " 

"  Well,  I  saw  a  decrepit  woman  in  Broadway 
the  other  day  and  gave  her  two  cents." 

"  Gabriel,  is  that  on  the  records?  " 

"  Yes,  St.  Peter,  it's  marked  down  to  his 
credit." 

"  What  else  have  you  done?  " 

"  Well,  I  crossed  the  Brooklyn  bridge  the 
other  night  and  met  a  newsboy  half  frozen  to 
death,  and  gave  him  one  cent." 

"  Gabriel,  is  that  on  the  records?  " 
12 


mm 

"  Yes,  St.  Peter." 

"  What  else  have  you  done?  " 

"'  Well,  I  can't  recollect  anything  else  just 
now." 

"  Gabriel,  what  do  you  think  we  ought  to 
do  with  this  fellow?  " 

"  Oh,  give  him  back  his  three  cents  and  tell 
him  to  go  to  hell." 

LIFE  OF  THE  FUNERAL 

"  Please,  ma'am,"  said  Mandy,  the  little 
colored  maid  of  all  work,  "  I'se  got  to  leave  yuh 
next  week,  I'se  gwine  to  be  married." 

"  Why,  Mandy,"  cried  her  astonished  mis- 
tress, "  I  didn't  even  know  you  had  a  beau." 

"  I  haven't  exackly  had  one,"  said  Mandy, 
"  but  yuh  knows  dat  fun'ral  I  went  to  las' 
week;  well,  I'se  gwine  to  marry  the  corpse's 
husband.  He  sez  I  was  the  life  of  the  fun'ral." 

JUST  LIKE  FATHER 

Myra  Kelly,  whose  stories  of  child  life  on  the 
East  Side  are  well  known  to  magazine  readers, 
tells  many  amusing  stories  of  her  experiences  in 
teaching  the  young  idea  of  foreign  extraction 
how  to  shoot  in  English.  On  one  occasion  she 
13 


was  attempting  to  demonstrate  to  a  class  of 
youthful  pupils  the  exact  meaning  of  various 
words,  using  the  plan  of  taking  a  word,  care- 
fully explaining  its  meaning  and  then  asking 
one  of  the  class  to  construct  a  sentence  contain- 
ing that  word.  Among  other  words  she  selected 
was  "  disarrange,"  and  after  having  attempted 
to  make  its  meaning  absolutely  clear,  called 
upon  a  little  Italian  boy  for  an  oral  demonstra- 
tion. After  an  interval  of  deep  thought,  he 
gave  utterance  to  this: 

"  My  papa  he  get-a  up  early  in  de  morning 
for  a  light-a  de  fire  in-a  de  kitchen.  De  fire  he 
go  out,  and  my  papa  say:  '  Damn'a  dis-a 
range '! " 

POACHING 

Sir  William  Gilbert,  the  dramatic  author  and 
wit,  at  one  time  took  a  house  in  the  country, 
near  the  estate  of  a  millionaire  jam  manufacturer, 
retired.  This  man,  having  married  an  earl's 
daughter,  was  ashamed  of  the  trade  whereby 
he  had  piled  up  his  fortune.  The  jam  manu- 
facturer one  day  wrote  Sir  William  an  impudent 
letter,  vowing  that  it  was  outrageous  the  way 
the  Gilbert  servants  were  trespassing  on  his 
grounds.  Sir  William  wrote  back:  "  Dear 
14 


Sir  —  I  am  very  sorry  to  hear  that  my  servants 
have  been  poaching  on  your  preserves.  P.  S. 
—  You'll  excuse  my  mentioning  your  preserves, 
won't  you?  " 

ON  THE  LANDING  STAGE  AT  HAR- 
WICH 

Fair,  fat,  spectacled  and  big  mustached,  it 
needed  not  his  guttural  tones  and  Teuton  accent 
to  acquaint  the  hotel  manager  that  the  new 
arrival  owed  allegiance  to  Europe's  Inexhaust- 
ible Surprise  Packet,  the  Kaiser. 

"  Vrom  Potsdammerburg  I  vas  come,  sir," 
announced  the  newcomer. 

"  A  very  fine  place,  sir,"  returned  the  man- 
ager politely. 

"  Der  vas  a  petter." 

"  Yes?     Berlin?  " 

"  Nein.     Ohm." 

"  Ohm?     In  —  er  —  Germany,  of  course?  " 

"  Donner  und  blitzen,  nein!  In  England. 
In  dis  gountry." 

"  Ohm?  "  said  the  manager,  thoughtfully. 

"  Ya,"  growled  the  German.     "  I  vas  come 

from  Potsdammerburg  to  see  Ohm.      Der  vas 

no  blace  like  Ohm.     I  vas  at  der  goncert  in 

Berlin,  und  I  hear  der  great  English  soprano 

15 


mill 

sing  dot  der  vas  no  blace  like  Ohm,  und  all  der 
Engleesh  beobles  in  der  goncert  gry  like  der 
leedle  babies.  Dot  must  be  der  vonderful  blace, 
Ohm,  to  make  der  English  beobles  gry,  und 
I  dell  mineself  dot  I  vill  go  und  see  dis  Ohm 
vot  der  vas  no  blace  like.  Now,  sir,  vich  der 
vay  to  Ohm?  " 

COMING  OUT 

"  So  this  is  your  daughter's  coming-out 
dinner,  is  it?  "  a  friend  said  to  the  debutante's 
father.  "  Yes,"  the  stern  old  man  replied, 
"  and  if  I  hadn't  put  my  foot  down  on  that 
dressmaker,  she'd  have  been  out  even  further 
than  she  is." 

IN  A  CHEMIST'S  SHOP 

"Of  course,"  said  the  lady  to  the  druggist, 
"  it  may  be  perfectly  harmless,  just  as  you  say; 
but  then,  you  know,  there  has  been  so  much 
exposure  of  patent  medicines  and  such  goods 
that  I  —  " 

"  My  dear  madam,"  interrupted  the  druggist, 
"  I  beg  to  assure  you  in  the  strongest  terms  that 
you  need  not  apprehend  any  —  " 

"  I  know:  but  I  read  in  one  magazine  where 
16 


?L>cUa 

lots  of  people  had  acquired  the  drink  and  drug 
habits  through  using  such  remedies,  and  —  " 

"  Impossible  in  this  case.  Why,  you  can  see 
for  yourself  that  —  " 

"  Will  you  give  me  your  word  of  honor  that  it 
contains  no  alcohol?  " 

"  I  would  swear  it  on  a  stack  of  Bibles," 
answered  the  druggist. 

"  Then  I'll  take  it." 

And  then  the  druggist  wrapped  up  the  porous 
plaster  for  her. 

A  BUSY  BOY 

The  diminutive  office  boy  had  worked  hard 
on  a  "  salary  "  of  three  dollars  a  week.  He  was 
a  subdued  little  chap,  faithful  and  quiet.  Fi- 
nally, however,  he  plucked  up  courage  enough 
to  ask  for  an  increase.  A  writer  in  the  Kansas 
City  Star  tells  the  tale. 

"  How  much  more  would  you  like?  "  inquired 
his  employer. 

"  Well,"  answered  the  lad,  "  I  don't  think 
that  two  dollars  more  a  week  would  be  too 
much." 

"  You  are  a  rather  small  boy  to  be  earning 
five  dollars  a  week." 

"  I  suppose  I  am,"  he  replied.  "  I  know  I'm 
17 


mm 

small  for  my  age,  but  to  tell  the  truth,  since 
I've  worked  here  I've  been  so  busy  I  haven't 
had  time  to  grow." 
He  got  the  "  raise." 

THE  CORK  CAME  OUT 

An  Aberdonian  went  to  spend  a  few  days 
in  London  with  his  son,  who  had  done  excep- 
tionally well  in  the  great  metropolis.  After 
their  first  greetings  at  King's  Cross  Station, 
the  young  fellow  remarked:  "  Feyther,  you 
are  not  lookin'  weel.  Is  there  anything  the 
matter?  "  The  old  man  replied,  "  Aye,  lad,  I 
have  had  quite  an  accident."  "  What  was  that, 
feyther?  "  "  Mon,"  he  said,  "  on  this  journey 
frae  bonnie  Scotland  I  lost  my  luggage."  "  Dear, 
dear,  that's  too  bad;  'oo  did  it  happen? " 
"  Aweel,"  replied  the  Aberdonian,  "  the  cork 
cam'  oot." 

THE  STING  IN  THE  TAIL 

"  Harry,  love,"  exclaimed  Mrs.  Knowall  to 
her  husband,  on  his  return  one  evening  from 
the  office,  "  I  have  b-been  d-dreadfully  in- 
sulted! " 

"  Insulted?  "  exclaimed  Harry,  love.  "  By 
whom?  " 

18 


mm 

"  B-by  your  m-mother,"  answered  the  young 
wife,  bursting  into  tears. 

"  My  mother,  Flora?  Nonsense!  She's  miles 
away!  " 

Flora  dried  her  tears. 

"  I'll  tell  you  all  about  it,  Harry,  love,"  she 
said.  "  A  letter  came  to  you  this  morning, 
addressed  in  your  mother's  writing,  so,  of  course, 
I  —  I  opened  it." 

"  Of  course,"  repeated  Harry,  love,  dryly. 

"  It  —  it  was  written  to  you  all  the  way 
through.  Do  you  understand?  " 

"  I  understand.  But  where  does  the  insult 
to  you  come  in?  " 

"  It  —  it  came  in  the  p-p-postscript,"  cried 
the  wife,  bursting  into  fresh  floods  of  briny. 
"  It  s-said:  *  P-P-P.  S.  —  D-dear  Flora,  d-don't 
f-fail  to  give  this  l-letter  to  Harry.  I  w-want 
him  to  have  it.J  " 

HE  LOST  THE  BET 

An  Irish  waiter  named  Kenny  was  noted  for 
his  wit  and  ready  answers.  A  party  of  gentle- 
men, who  were  staying  at  the  hotel,  heard  of 
Kenny's  wit,  and  one  of  them  made  a  bet  that 
he  would  say  something  that  Kenny  couldn't 
answer  at  once. 

19 


3K?tUo 

A  bottle  of  champagne  was  ordered.  The 
one  who  had  made  the  bet  took  hold  of  the 
bottle  and  commenced  to  open  it.  The  cork 
came  out  with  a  "  bang  "  and  flew  hi  Kenny's 
mouth. 

"  Ah,"  he  said,  "  that  is  not  the  way  to 
Cork!  " 

Kenny  took  the  cork  out  of  his  mouth  and 
replied:  "  No;  but  it's  the  way  to  Kil-Kenny." 

THEN  THE  LICKING  CAME 

"  Johnny,  I  married  your  father  because  he 
saved  me  from  drowning." 

"  I'll  bet  that's  why  pop's  always  tellin'  me 
not  to  go  swimmin'." 

SHE  KNEW  THE  PLACE 

The  elderly  matron  with  the  bundles,  who  was 
journeying  to  a  point  in  Wisconsin  and  occupied 
a  seat  near  the  middle  of  the  car,  had  fallen 
asleep.  On  the  seat  in  front  of  her  sat  a  little 
boy.  The  brakeman  opened  the  door  of  the 
car  and  called  out  the  name  of  the  station  the 
train  was  approaching.  The  elderly  lady  roused 
herself  with  a  jerk. 

"  Where  are  we,  Bobby?  "  she  asked. 

20 


mm 

"  I  don't  know,  grandma,"  answered  the  little 
boy. 

"  Didn't  the  brakeman  say  something  just 
now?  " 

"  No;  he  just  stuck  his  head  inside  the  door 
and  sneezed." 

"  Help  me  with  these  things,  Bobby!  "  she 
exclaimed  hurriedly.  "  This  is  Oshkosh.  It's 
where  we  get  off." 

A  QUITTER 

"  Young  man,"  said  the  girl,  "  don't  you  do  it. 
If  you  kiss  me  you'll  certainly  rue  it." 

He  stopped  right  away, 

She  thinks  him  a  jay, 
And  he  is  —  that  is  all  there  is  to  it. 

GOT  IT  BACK 

At  a  dinner  given  by  the  prime  minister  of 
a  little  kingdom  on  the  Balkan  Peninsula,  a 
distinguished  diplomat  complained  to  his  host 
that  the  minister  of  justice,  who  had  been  sitting 
on  his  left,  had  stolen  his  watch. 

"  Ah,  he  shouldn't  have  done  that,"  said  the 
prime   minister,   in    tones   of   annoyance.      "  I 
will  get  it  back  for  you." 
21 


Wtlla  mill 

Sure  enough,  toward  the  end  of  the  evening 
the  watch  was  returned  to  its  owner. 

"  And  what  did  he  say?  "  asked  the  diplo- 
mat. 

"  Sh-h,"  cautioned  the  host,  glancing  anx- 
iously about  him.  "  He  doesn't  know  that  I 
have  got  it  back." 

EQUAL  TO  THE  OCCASION 

Tourist  —  My  physician  advises  me  to  locate 
where  I  may  have  the  benefit  of  the  south  wind. 
Does  it  blow  here? 

Landlord  —  My!  but  you're  fortunate  in 
coming  to  just  the  right  place!  Why,  the  south 
wind  always  blows  here. 

Tourist  —  Always?  Why,  it  seems  to  be 
blowing  from  the  north  now. 

Landlord  —  Oh,  it  may  be  coming  from  that 
direction,  but  it's  the  south  wind.  It's  just 
coming  back,  you  know. 

RIP  VAN  WINKLE 

Rip  Van  Winkle  returned  from  his  long  sleep 
looking  fresh  as  a  daisy,  and  made  his  way  to 
the  village  barber  shop,  not  only  because  he 
needed  a  hair-cut  and  shave,  but  also  because 
he  wished  to  catch  up  with  the  news. 
22 


mill 

"  Let's  see,"  said  he  to  the  barber,  after  he 
was  safely  tucked  in  the  chair.  "  I've  been 
asleep  twenty  years,  haven't  I?  " 

"  Yep,"  replied  the  tonsorialist. 

"  Have  I  missed  much?  " 

"  Nope;   we  bin  standin'  pat." 

"  Has  Congress  done  anything  yet?  " 

"  Not  a  thing." 

"  Jerome  done  anything?  " 

"  Nope." 

"  Lorimer  resigned?  " 

"  Nope." 

"  Panama  Canal  built?  " 

"  Nope." 

"  Bryan  been  elected?  " 

"  Nope." 

"  Carnegie  poor?  " 

"  Nope." 

"  Well,  say,"  said  Rip,  rising  up  in  the  chair, 
"  never  mind  shaving  the  other  side  of  my 
face.  I'm  going  back  to  sleep  again." 

HER  LAST  MISTRESS 

Mistress  (to  new  servant)  —  Why,  Bridget, 
this  is  the  third  time  I've  had  to  tell  you  about 
the  finger-bowls.  Didn't  the  lady  you  last 
worked  for  have  them  on  the  table? 

23 


Bridget  —  No,  mum;  her  friends  always 
washed  their  hands  before  they  came. 

MODERN  FINANCE 

In  condemning  that  sort  of  modern  finance 
that  consists  in  getting  something  for  nothing, 
the  late  Bishop  Potter  said:  "  I  once  knew  a 
boy  who  would  have  made  a  splendid  financier. 
This  boy,  strolling  idly  through  the  streets  — 
he  never  had  anything  to  do  —  met  another. 

"  *  I  wish,'  he  said,  '  I  had  a  nickel.  Then 
I'd  buy  a  good  s-cent  cigar  and  go  into  the  woods 
and  have  a  smoke.' 

"  *  I  have  a  nickel,'  said  the  other  boy. 

"  *  Have  you?  '  the  first  cried  eagerly.  '  Then 
let's  form  a  corporation.' 

"  '  All  right.    How  is  it  done?  ' 

"  *  I'll  be  the  president.  You'll  be  the  stock- 
holder. The  nickel  will  be  the  capital  and  we'll 
invest  it  in  tobacco.' 

"  The  thing  was  agreed  to  and  the  president, 
taking  the  stockholder's  five  cents,  bought  a 
cigar  forthwith.  Then  he  led  the  way  to  the 
woods.  There  he  sat  down  on  a  log,  lit  up  and 
began  to  smoke  skilfully. 

"  The  stockholder  waited  for  his  turn  to  come. 
He  waited  very  patiently.     But  the  cigar  di- 
24 


mm 

minished.  One-third  of  it,  two-thirds  of  it 
disappeared  and  still  the  president  showed  no 
signs  of  satiety. 

"  '  Say! '  exclaimed  the  stockholder  at  last, 
'  don't  I  get  a  whack  here?  * 

"  The  president,  knocking  off  the  ashes,  shook 
his  head. 

"  *  I  don't  see  it,'  he  said. 

"  *  But  what,'  shouted  the  angry  stockholder, 
*  do  I  get  for  my  capital?  ' 

"  *  Well,'  said  the  president,  *  you  can  spit.'  " 

AT  HIS  BEST 

Years  ago  Mark  Twain  used  to  be  fond  of 
telling  this  story:  At  the  dinner-table  one  day 
there  was  a  party  of  guests,  for  whom  Mark 
was  doing  his  best  in  the  way  of  entertaining. 
A  lady  turned  to  the  daughter  of  the  humorist, 
then  a  little  girl,  and  said:  "  Your  father  is  a 
very  funny  man."  "  Yes,"  responded  the  child, 
"  when  we  have  company." 

ALREADY  INVENTED 

"  I  see  they've  invented  another  automatic 
machine  that  takes  the  place  of  a  man,"  re- 
marked  Miss   Peppery.      "  But    they'll   never 
25 


mm 

invent  a  machine  that  could  take  the  place  of 
a  woman." 

"  Oh,  I  don't  know,"  replied  Knox,  "  there's 
the  phonograph." 

HE  HAD  SEEN  BETTER  DAYS 

"  Gerald,"  said  the  young  wife,  noticing  how 
heartily  he  was  eating,  "  do  I  cook  as  well  as 
your  mother  did?  " 

Gerald  put  up  his  monocle,  and  stared  at 
her  through  it. 

"  Once  for  all,  Agatha,"  he  said,  "  I  beg  you 
will  remember  that,  although  I  may  seem  to 
be  in  reduced  circumstances  now,  I  come  of  an 
old  and  distinguished  family.  My  mother  was 
not  a  cook." 

INFORMATION  NEEDED 

A  Baltimore  teacher  was  trying  to  explain 
the  meaning  of  the  word  "  recuperate." 
"  Charley,"  she  said,  "  when  night  comes 
your  father  returns  home  tired  and  worn  out, 
doesn't  he?  " 

"  Yes,  ma'am,"  assented  Charley. 

"  Then,"  continued  the  teacher,  "  it  being 
night,  and  he  being  tired,  what  does  he  do?  " 
26 


mm 

"  That's  what  ma  wants  to  know,"  said 
Charley. 

THE  WARY  CANDIDATE 

"  Now,  Mr.  Blank,"  said  a  temperance  ad- 
vocate to  a  candidate  for  municipal  honors, 
"  I  want  to  ask  you  a  question.  Do  you  ever 
take  alcoholic  drinks?  " 

"  Before  I  answer  the  question,"  responded 
the  wary  candidate,  "  I  want  to  know  whether 
it  is  put  as  an  inquiry  or  as  an  invitation!  " 

PERHAPS 

Two  ladies,  previously  unacquainted,  were 
conversing  at  a  reception.  After  a  few  conven- 
tional remarks  the  younger  exclaimed:  "  I  can 
not  think  what  has  upset  that  tall  blond  man 
over  there.  He  was  so  attentive  a  little  while 
ago,  but  he  won't  look  at  me  now."  "  Perhaps," 
said  the  other,  "  he  saw  me  come  in.  He's  my 
husband! " 

FORETHOUGHT 

Irate  Woman  —  These  photographs  you  made 
of  myself  and  husband  are  not  at  all  satisfac- 
tory and  I  refuse  to  accept  them. 

Photographer  —  What's  wrong  with  them? 

27 


Irate  Woman  —  What's  wrong!  Why,  my 
husband  looks  like  a  baboon. 

Photographer  —  Well,  that's  no  fault  of  mine, 
madam.  You  should  have  thought  of  that 
before  you  had  him  taken. 

A  WAIST  OCCUPATION 

Stubb  —  What's  the  trouble,  old  chap?  You 
look  angry  enough  to  fight. 

Penn  —  Oh,  I'm  sizzling.  It  took  me  an 
hour  to  button  up  my  wife's  waist  in  the  back, 
and  then  I  told  her  a  joke  and  she  laughed  so 
much  the  buttons  all  flew  open.  What's  the 
use  in  telling  a  woman  a  joke,  anyway? 

WHICH  TEACHES  US  WE  SHOULD 
BE  EXPLICIT 

A  tramp  appeared  at  Mrs.  Newlywed's  door. 

"  Can  I  have  a  bite  to  eat,  M'm?  " 

"  Certainly,  you  poor  fellow,"  replied  the 
young  wife.  "  I'll  get  you  something  at  once. 
Just  sit  down  out  here  and  I'll  bring  it." 

Then  she  remembered  the  new  pie  she  had 
made  that  morning,  and  in  her  generosity  she 
decided  to  cut  him  the  first  slice.  "  Of  course," 
she  reflected,  "  he'll  have  to  chop  some  wood 
afterwards." 

28 


mm 

She  returned  in  a  moment  with  the  pie. 

"  God  bless  you,  M'm,"  said  the  tramp. 

"  Don't  mention  it,"  returned  the  lady. 
Then  she  added:  "  You'll  find  the  axe  in  the 
shed! " 

The  tramp  looked  up  in  surprise.  Then  he 
looked  at  the  pie.  He  was  thinking  of  the 
pie;  she  was  thinking  of  the  wood. 

With  startled  cry  the  tramp  took  to  his  heels. 

And  Mrs.  Newlywed  wondered. 

PHILOSOPHY 

In  the  July  World's  Work,  following  Mr. 
Rockefeller's  "  Reminiscences,"  begins  the  auto- 
biography of  Alexander .  Irvine,  who  is  now  a 
lay  preacher  in  one  of  the  New  York  churches. 
Mr.  Irvine  is  an  Irish  socialist;  he  was  born  in 
a  poor  and  ignorant  family,  enlisted  in  the  army 
to  learn  to  work,  was  "  converted  "  and  went 
about  preaching  his  experience.  Since  coming 
to  this  country  he  has  won  a  reputation  as  a 
stirring  orator. 

"  I  bounqed  into  the  alley  one  Sunday  morn- 
ing," writes  Mr.  Irvine  in  his  first  chapter, 
"  whistling  a  Moody  and  Sankey  hymn. 

"  '  Shut  up  ye'r  mouth! '  said  my  father. 

"  *  It's  a  hymn  tune,'  I  replied. 
29 


mm 

*  I  don't  care  a  damn! '  replied  my  father. 
'  It's  the  Lord's  day,  and  if  I  hear  you  whistlin' 
in  it,  I'll  whale  the  hell  out  o*  ye!  * 

"  That  was  his  philosophy,  and  he  lived  it." 

BARBERISM 

A  priest  went  to  a  barber  shop  conducted  by 
one  of  his  Irish  parishioners  to  get  a  shave. 
He  observed  the  barber  was  suffering  from  a  re- 
cent celebration,  but  decided  to  take  a  chance. 
In  a  few  moments  the  barber's  razor  had  nicked 
the  father's  cheek.  "  There,  Pat,  you  have  cut 
me,"  said  the  priest  as  he  raised  his  hand  and 
caressed  the  wound.  "  Yis,  y'r  riv'rance,"  an- 
swered the  barber.  "  That  shows  you,"  con- 
tinued the  priest,  in  a  tone  of  censure,  "  what  the 
use  of  liquor  will  do."  "  Yis,  y'r  riv'rance," 
replied  the  barber,  humbly,  "  it  makes  the  skin 
tender." 

THE  WORM  RETORTS 

Mrs.  Henpeck  had  dragged  her  worst  half 
to  the  art  gallery  and  they  were  now  viewing 
a  picture  of  a  loving  old  couple  kissing.  "  That 
picture  is  called  *  Old  Enough  to  Know  Better,' 
isn't  it,  my  dear?  "  asked  Henpeck,  sarcastic- 
ally. 

30 


?£icuo  mm 

"  Not  on  your  miserable  existence!  "  warmly 
replied  the  lady,  referring  to  her  catalogue; 
"  the  title  of  that  beautiful  work  of  art  is  *  Age 
Matters  Not!'" 

"  The  natural  inference  being  that  once  a 
fool,  always  a  fool,  eh?  "  cackled  Henpeck. 

A  "SORT  OF  COUSIN" 

The  lawyer  eyed  the  woman  in  the  witness 
box  in  patient  despair.  Then,  on  the  authority 
of  a  writer  in  the  Detroit  "  News,"  he  rallied 
visibly. 

"  You  say,  madam,"  he  began,  "  that  the 
defendant  is  a  *  sort  of  relation  '  of  yours.  Will 
you  please  explain  what  you  mean  by  that  — 
just  how  you  are  related  to  the  defendant?  " 

"  Well,  it's  like  this,"  replied  the  witness, 
beaming  upon  the  court.  "  His  first  wife's 
cousin  and  my  second  cousin's  first  wife's  aunt 
married  brothers  named  Jones,  and  they  were 
cousins  to  my  mother's  aunt.  Then,  again, 
his  grandfather  on  his  mother's  side  and  my 
grandfather  on  my  mother's  side  were  second 
cousins,  and  his  stepmother  married  my  hus- 
band's stepfather  after  his  father  and  my  mother 
died,  and  his  brother  Joe  and  my  husband's 
brother  Harry  married  twin  sisters.  I  ain't 
31 


UttlJ 

ever  figgered  out  just  how  close  related  we  are, 
but  I've  always  looked  on  him  as  a  sort  of 
cousin." 
"  Quite  right,"  said  the  lawyer,  feebly. 

MAKING  THE  BEST  OF  IT 

When  the  young  husband  reached  home  from 
the  office  he  found  his  wife  in  tears. 

"  Oh,  John!  "  she  sobbed  on  his  shoulder.  "  I 
had  baked  a  lovely  cake,  and  I  put  it  out  on 
the  back  porch  for  the  frosting  to  dry,  and,  and 
the  dog  ate  it!  " 

"  Well,  don't  cry  about  it,  sweetheart,"  he 
consoled,  patting  the  pretty,  flushed  cheek. 
"  I  know  a  man  who  will  give  us  another  dog!  " 

PRECAUTION 

A  newly  appointed  Scotch  minister  on  his 
first  Sunday  of  office  had  reason  to  complain 
of  the  poorness  of  the  collection.  "  Mon,"  re- 
plied one  of  the  elders,  "  they  are  close  —  vera 
close.  But,"  confidentially,  "  the  auld  meenis- 
ter  he  put  three  or  four  saxpense  into  the  plate 
hissel',  just  to  gie  them  a  start.  Of  course  he 
took  the  saxpense  awa'  with  him  afterward." 
The  new  minister  tried  the  same  plan,  but  the 
32 


next  Sunday  he  again  had  to  report  a  dismal 
failure.  The  total  collection  was  not  only 
small,  but  he  was  grieved  to  find  that  his  own 
sixpences  were  missing.  "  Ye  may  be  a  better 
preacher  than  the  auld  meenister,"  exclaimed 
the  elder,  "  but  if  ye  had  half  the  knowledge  o' 
the  world,  an'  o'  yer  am  flock  in  particular, 
ye'd  ha'  done  what  he  did  an'  glued  the  sax- 
penses  to  the  plate." 

NOT  LOST,  BUT  GONE  BEFORE 

The  canny  old  Scot  possessed  a  fine  collie 
dog,  and  the  American  visitor  was  trying  his 
best  to  induce  its  owner  to  sell  it  to  him. 

"  Wud  ye  be  takin'  him  to  America? "  in- 
quired the  old  shepherd. 

"  Wai,  I  guess  so,"  said  the  Yankee. 

"  I  thocht  as  moch.  Weel,  I  canna  part  wi' 
Jock." 

Just  then  an  English  tourist  come  up,  and 
after  some  haggling  the  shepherd  sold  the  collie 
to  the  newcomer  for  much  less  than  the  Amer- 
ican had  offered. 

The  latter  was  much  annoyed. 

"  You  told  me  you  wouldn't  sell  him, 
stranger,"  said  he,  when  the  purchaser  had 
departed. 

33 


mm 

"Na,  na,"  replied  the  Scot,  "I  said  I 
couldna  part  wi*  him.  Jock'll  be  baek  in  a 
day  or  two,  never  fear.  But  he  couldna  swim 
the  Atlantic." 

LUCKY  HORSE 

"  Charley,  dear,"  said  young  Mrs.  Torkins, 
"  didn't  you  say  that  horse  you  bought  has  a 
pedigree?  "  "  Yes,"  was  the  complacent  reply. 
"  Well,  knowing  how  unlucky  you  are  with 
horses,  I  consulted  a  veterinary  surgeon.  You 
needn't  worry.  The  doctor  says  it  won't  hurt 
him  in  the  least." 

HARD  TO  ARRANGE    . 

About  a  year  ago  a  cook  informed  her  Boston 
mistress  that  she  was  apt  to  leave  at  any  time, 
as  she  was  engaged  to  be  married.  The  mistress 
was  genuinely  sorry,  as  the  woman  is  a  good  cook 
and  steady.  Time  passed,  however,  without 
further  word  of  leaving,  though  the  happy  man- 
to-be  was  a  frequent  caller  in  the  kitchen.  The 
other  day  the  mistress  was  moved  by  curiosity 
to  ask: 

"  When  are  you  to  be  married,  Nora?  " 
"  Indade,  an'  it's  niver  at  all,  I'll  be  thinkin', 
mum,"  was  the  sad  reply. 
34 


"  Really?    What  is  the  trouble?  " 

"  'Tis  this,  mum.    I  won't  marry  Mike  when 

he's  drunk,  and  when  he's  sober  he  won't  marry 

me." 

ANTICIPATION 

A  gentleman  lying  on  his  deathbed,  was 
questioned  by  his  inconsolable  prospective 
widow.  "  Poor  Mike,"  said  she,  "  is  there  anny- 
thin'  that  wud  make  ye  comfortable?  Anny- 
thin'  ye  ask  for  I'll  get  for  ye." 

"  Plase,  Bridget,"  he  responded,  "  I  t'ink  I'd 
like  a  wee  taste  of  the  ham  I  smell  a-boilin' 
in  the  kitchen." 

"  Arrah,  go  on,"  responded  Bridget.  "  Divil 
a  bit  of  that  ham  ye'll  get.  'Tis  for  the  wake." 

YARNS 

Baggs  and  Jaggs  met,  and  Baggs  and  Jaggs 
got  yarning. 

"  I  once  knew  a  man,  dear  boy,"  began  Baggs, 
"  who  was  so  ticklish  on  the  bottoms  of  his  feet 
that  whenever  he  took  a  bath  he  had  to  walk 
about  afterwards  on  a  blotter.  It  was  the  only 
method  of  foot-drying  that  wouldn't  throw 
him  into  fits." 

"  That's  nothing,  my  dear  fellow,"  retorted 
35 


Jaggs.  "  I  used  to  board  at  a  place  where  the 
landlady  was  so  nervous  that  whenever  the 
wind  blew  she  had  to  go  out  and  grease  the 
corners  of  the  house,  so  that  the  wind  wouldn't 
creak  when  it  went  round  them." 

WHY? 

Pat  and  Mike  enlisted  in  the  British  army. 
After  their  first  drill  the  captain,  thinking  the 
circumstances  opportune  for  a  little  lecture  on 
patriotism,  demanded,  eloquently:  "  Soldiers, 
why  should  a  man  die  for  his  king  and  country?  " 
This  struck  Pat  as  a  proper  question.  Turning 
to  Mike,  he  said:  "  Faith,  Moike,  the  captain 
is  roight!  Whoi?  " 

PAY  IN  ADVANCE 

The  young  man  from  the  country  took  his 
green  necktie  and  his  best  girl  into  a  restaurant, 
and,  like  some  other  young  men,  he  was  dis- 
posed to  be  facetious  at  the  waiter's  expense. 

"  Waiter,"  he  said,  "  I  want  you  to  bring  me 
a  grilled  crocodile." 

"  Yessir,"  replied  the  waiter,  perfectly  un- 
moved. 

"  And,  waiter,  bring  it  with  butter." 
36 


mm 

"  Yessir." 

Then  he  stood  there  like  a  statue  for  a  minute. 

"  Well,"  said  the  young  man,  "  aren't  you 
going  to  bring  it?  " 

"  Yessir." 

"  Why  don't  you,  then?  " 

"  Orders  is,  sir,  that  we  get  pay  in  advance 
for  crocodiles,  sir.  Crocodiles  with  butter,  sir, 
are  fifteen  hundred  dollars  and  fifty  cents.  If 
you  take  it  without  butter,  sir,  it  is  only  fifteen 
hundred  dollars,  sir." 

The  waiter  did  not  smile,  but  the  girl  did,  and 
the  young  man  climbed  down. 

A  BRIGHT  BOY 

"  Now,  Tommy,"  said  the  teacher,  "  you 
may  give  me  an  example  of  a  coincidence." 

"  Why,  er,"  said  Tommy,  with  some  hesita- 
tion —  "  why,  er,  why  —  me  f adder  and  me 
mudder  was  both  married  on  de  same  day." 

SUSPICION 

Mark   Twain   at  a   dinner   at   the   Authors' 
Club  said:    "Speaking  of  fresh  eggs,  I  am  re- 
minded of  the  town  of  Squash.     In  my  early 
lecturing  days  I  went  to  Squash  to  lecture  hi 
37 


mm 

Temperance  Hall,  arriving  in  the  afternoon. 
The  town  seemed  very  poorly  billed.  I  thought 
I'd  find  out  if  the  people  knew  anything  at  all 
about  what  was  in  store  for  them.  So  I  turned 
in  at  the  general  store.  '  Good  afternoon, 
friend,'  I  said  to  the  general  storekeeper.  '  Any 
entertainment  here  tonight  to  help  a  stranger 
while  away  his  evening?  '  The  general  store- 
keeper, who  was  sorting  mackerel,  straightened 
up,  wiped  his  briny  hands  on  his  apron,  and 
said:  '  I  expect  there's  goin'  to  be  a  lecture. 
I  been  sellin'  eggs  all  day.'  " 

MISJUDGED 

"  Did  you  write  this  report  on  my  lecture, 
'The  Curse  of  Whiskey'?" 

"  Yes,  madam." 

"  Then  kindly  explain  what  you  mean  by 
saying,  '  The  lecturer  was  evidently  full  of  her 
subject! '  " 

HE  WENT 

Charles  F.  Adams  has  told  how  a  book  can- 
vasser called  on  Dr.  Holmes  to  persuade  him 
to  subscribe  for  the  Century  Dictionary.  "  No," 
said  the  doctor,  "  I'm  too  old  —  eighty  years 
—  I  sha'n't  live  to  see  the  Century  finished." 
38 


?i?cuo  mm 

"  Nay,  doctor,"  persisted  the  agent,  "  you 
won't  have  to  live  so  very  much  longer  to  use 
our  book;  we've  already  got  to  G."  "  And 
you  may  go  to  -  — 1,  if  you  like! "  exclaimed 
the  doctor,  and  the  agent  went. 

BOSTON   MODESTY 

A  Boston  girl  the  other  day  said  to  a  Southern 
friend  who  was  visiting  her,  as  two  men  rose  hi 
a  car  to  give  them  seats:  "  Oh,  I  wish  they  would 
not  do  it."  "  Why  not?  I  think  it  is  very  nice 
of  them,"  said  her  friend,  settling  herself  com- 
fortably. "  Yes,  but  one  can't  thank  them,  you 
know,  and  it  is  so  awkward."  "  Can't  thank 
them!  Why  not? "  "  Why,  you  would  not 
speak  to  a  strange  man,  would  you?  "  said  the 
Boston  maiden,  to  the  astonishment  of  her 
Southern  friend. 

FUNNY  INSURANCE  BLUNDERS 

The  ways  in  which  application  forms  for  insur- 
ance are  filled  up  are  often  more  amusing  than 
enlightening,  as  The  British  Medical  Journal 
shows  in  the  following  excellent  selection  of 
examples: 

Mother  died  in  infancy. 
39 


mm 

Father  went  to  bed  feeling  well,  and  the  next 
morning  woke  up  dead. 

Grandfather  died  suddenly  at  the  age  of  103. 
Up  to  this  time  he  bade  fair  to  reach  a  ripe  old 
age. 

Applicant  does  not  know  anything  about 
maternal  posterity,  except  that  they  died  at 
an  advanced  age. 

Applicant  does  not  know  cause  of  mother's 
death,  but  states  that  she  fully  recovered  from 
her  last  illness. 

Applicant  has  never  been  fatally  sick. 

Father  died  suddenly;    nothing  serious. 

Applicant's  brother,  who  was  an  infant,  died 
when  he  was  a  mere  child. 

Grandfather  died  from  gunshot  wound,  caused 
by  an  arrow  shot  by  an  Indian. 

Mother's  last  illness  was  caused  from  chronic 
rheumatism,  but  she  was  cured  before  death. 

MET  HIS  MATCH 

Rev.  Dr.  Ritchie  of  Edinburgh,  though  a  very 
clever  man,  once  met  his  match.  When  examin- 
ing a  student  as  to  the  classes  he  attended,  he 
said:  "  I  understand  you  attend  the  class  for 
mathematics?  "  "  Yes."  "  How  many  sides 
has  a  circle? "  "  Two,"  said  the  student. 
40 


"  Indeed!  What  are  they?  "  What  a  laugh 
in  the  court  the  student's  answer  produced 
when  he  promptly  said:  "  An  inside  and  an 
outside."  The  doctor  next  inquired:  "  And  you 
attend  the  moral  philosophy  class,  also?" 
"  Yes."  "  Well,  you  doubtless  heard  lectures 
on  various  subjects.  Did  you  ever  hear  one  on 
cause  and  effect?  "  "  Yes."  "  Does  an  effect 
ever  go  before  a  cause?  "  "  Yes."  "  Give  me 
an  instance."  "  A  barrow  wheeled  by  a  man." 
The  doctor  hastily  sat  down,  and  proposed  no 
more  questions. 

LITTLE  DUE 

Grade  —  Oh,  Mr.  Nocoyne,  how  lovely  of 
you  to  bring  me  these  beautiful  roses!  How 
sweet  they  are,  and  how  fresh!  I  do  believe 
there  is  a  little  dew  on  them  yet! 

Nocoyne  —  W-well,  yes,  there  is;  but  I'll 
pay  it  tomorrow. 

NOT  BECOMING  TO  HIM 

Mr.  X  was  a  prominent  member  of  the 
B.  P.  O.  E.  At  the  breakfast  table  the  other 
morning  he  was  relating  to  his  wife  an  incident 
that  occurred  at  the  lodge  the  previous  night. 
The  president  of  the  order  offered  a  silk  hat  to 
41 


the  brother  who  could  stand  up  and  truthfully 
say  that  during  his  married  life  he  had  never 
kissed  any  woman  but  his  own  wife.  "  And, 
would  you  believe  it,  Mary?  —  not  a  one  stood 
up."  "  George,"  his  wife  said,  "  why  didn't 
you  stand  up?  "  "  Well,"  he  replied,  "  I  was 
going  to,  but  I  knew  I  looked  like  hell  in  a  silk 
hat." 

DIDN'T  EXPECT  TOO  MUCH 

Mrs.  Housen  Hohm  —  What  is  your  name? 

Applicant  for   Cookship  —  Miss   Arlington. 

Mrs.  Housen  Hohm  —  Do  you  expect  to  be 
called  Miss  Arlington? 

Applicant  —  No,  ma'am;  not  if  you  have  an 
alarm  clock  in  my  room. 

IT  CAN'T  BE  SUPPRESSED 

An  Irish  soldier  on  sentry  duty  had  orders  to 
allow  no  one  to  smoke  near  his  post.  An  officer 
with  a  lighted  cigar  approached,  whereupon 
Pat  boldly  challenged  him  and  ordered  him  to 
put  it  out  at  once. 

The  officer  with  a  gesture  of  disgust  threw 
away  his  cigar,  but  no  sooner  was  his  back 
turned  than  Pat  picked  it  up  and  quietly  retired 
to  the  sentry  box. 

42 


mm 

The  officer,  happening  to  look  around,  ob- 
served a  beautiful  cloud  of  smoke  issuing  from 
the  box.  He  at  once  challenged  Pat  for  smoking 
on  duty. 

"  Smoking,  is  it,  son?  Bedad,  and  I'm  only 
keeping  it  lit  to  show  to  the  corporal  when  he 
comes  as  evidence  agin  you." 

DANGEROUS! 

Pat  —  I  hear  your  woife  is  sick,  Moike. 
Mike  —  She  is  thot. 
Pat  —  Is  it  dangerous  she  is? 
Mike  —  Divil  a  bit.     She's  too  weak  to  be 
dangerous  any  more! 

NOT  TOO  PRECIPITATE 

The  "  colored  lady  "  who  entered  my  service 
as  cook  gave  her  name  as  Juletta  Price,  but 
constantly  referred  to  her  husband  as  George 
Ledbetter.  "  How  does  it  happen,  Juletta," 
I  asked  her  one  day,  "  that  you  go  by  the  name 
of  Price  while  your  husband's  name  is  Led- 
better? " 

"  Well,  you  see,  Mrs.  Lawrence,"  she  replied 
cheerfully,  "  it's  this-a  way.  I  had  n'  been 
acquainted  with  George  but  fo'  days  when  I 
43 


mm 

married  him,  an'  I  did  n'  know  how  I  was  gonter 
lak  him  nor  how  he  was  gonter  lak  me.  Now 
these  divorcements  betwix'  married  folks  is  a 
heap  er  trouble  an'  a  heap  er  expense,  too; 
an'  I  'lowed  the  safest  way  fer  us  to  do  wus  fer 
George  to  keep  his  maiden  name  an'  to  keep 
mine  tell  we  see  how  our  new  experiment  was 
gonter  turn  out." 

IN  MEMORIAM 

"  I  suppose  you  carry  a  memento  of  some  sort 
in  that  locket  of  yours?  " 

"  Yes;   it  is  a  lock  of  my  husband's  hair." 
"  But  your  husband  is  still  alive?  " 
"  Yes,  but  his  hair  is  all  gone." 

TOO  SMART  A  BOY 

Traveler  —  Say,  boy,  your  corn  looks  kind  of 
yellow. 

Boy  —  Yes,  sir.  That's  the  kind  we 
planted. 

Traveler  —  Looks  as  though  you  will  only 
have  a  hah*  crop. 

Boy  —  Don't  expect  any  more.  The  land- 
lord gets  the  other  half. 

Traveler  after  a  minute's  thought  — Say, 
44 


there  is  not  much  difference  between  you  and  a 
fool. 

Boy  —  No,  sir.    Only  the  fence. 

ON  THE  PHONE 

"  Hello,  hello,  who  is  this,  please?  "  the  man 
at  the  phone  impatiently  hurled  at  the  mouth- 
piece. 

"  This  is  —  Whom  did  you  want?  "  came 
back  a  feminine  voice. 

"  I  called  for  number  — -.  Confound  it;  I've 
forgotten  the  number  now.  Who  is  this,  any- 
way? " 

"  Sir,  I  think  you  might  be  a  little  more  polite 
in  your  manner  toward  a  lady.  You've  doubtless 
got  the  wrong  number." 

"  How  can  I  tell  whether  I've  got  the  right 
or  wrong  number  if  you  won't  tell  me  who  you 
are?  Some  women  make  me  tired!  " 

"  You're  a  gentleman!  " 

"  You're  a  lady!  " 

"  You're  positively  insulting.     I  — 

"  Back  up!    Who  are  you,  anyway?  " 

"  Sir,  I'll  tell  you  who  I  am.  I'm  the  wife 
of  the  biggest  stockholder  hi  this  telephone 
company.  I  am  Mrs.  George  Banks,  that's  who 
I  am,  sir! " 

45 


mill 

"  Great  Scott,  Mary!  I've  been  trying  to 
get  you.  This  is  George,  your  husband! " 

THE  CLERK  SCORED 

There  is  a  proprietor  of  a  shop  who  is  for  ever 
scolding  his  employees  for  their  indifference  in 
the  matter  of  possible  sales.  One  day,  hearing 
an  assistant  say  to  a  customer:  "  No,  we  have 
not  had  any  for  a  long  time,"  the  proprietor, 
unable  to  countenance  such  an  admission,  began 
to  work  himself  into  the  usual  rage.  Fixing 
a  glassy  eye  on  his  clerk,  he  said  to  the  customer: 

"  We  have  plenty  in  reserve,  ma'am  —  plenty 
downstairs! " 

Whereupon  the  customer  looked  dazed;  and 
then,  to  the  amazement  of  the  proprietor,  burst 
into  hysterical  laughter  and  quitted  the  shop. 

"  What  did  she  say  to  you?  "  demanded  the 
proprietor  of  the  clerk. 

"  We  haven't  had  any  rain  lately." 

MAKING  CERTAIN 

Officers  have  a  right  to  ask  questions  in  the 
performance  of  their  duty,  but  there  are  occa- 
sions when  it  seems  as  if  they  might  curtail  or 
forego  the  privilege.  Not  long  ago  an  Irishman 

46 


mm 

whose  hand  had  been  badly  mangled  in  an  ac- 
cident entered  the  Boston  City  Hospital  relief 
station  in  a  great  hurry.  He  stepped  up  to  the 
man  in  charge  and  inquired: 

"  Is  this  the  relief  station,  sor?  " 

"  Yes.    What  is  your  name?  " 

"Patrick  O'Connor,  sor." 

"  Are  you  married?  "  questioned  the  officer. 

"  Yis,  sor,  but  is  this  the  relief  station?  "  He 
was  nursing  his  hand  in  agony. 

"  Of  course  it  is.  How  many  children  have 
you?  " 

"  Eight,  sor.  But  sure,  this  is  the  relief  sta- 
tion? " 

"  Yes,  it  is,"  replied  the  officer,  a  little  angry 
at  the  man's  persistence. 

"  Well,"  said  Patrick,  "  sure,  an'  I  was  be- 
ginning to  think  that  it  might  be  the  pumping 
station!  " 

PRETTY  DEEP 

A  Yankee  just  returning  to  the  States  was 
dining  with  an  Englishman,  and  the  latter  com- 
plained of  the  mud  in  America. 

"  Yes,"  said  the  American,  "  but  it's  nothing 
to  the  mud  over  here." 

"  Nonsense!  "  said  the  Englishman. 
47 


mill 

"  Fact,"  the  American  replied.    "  Why,  this 
afternoon    I   had   a   remarkable    adventure  - 
came   near  getting  into   trouble   with  an   old 
gentleman  —  all  through  your  confounded  mud." 

"  Some  of  the  streets  are  a  little  greasy  at 
this  season,  I  admit,"  said  the  Englishman. 
"  What  was  your  adventure,  though?  " 

"  Well,"  said  the  American,  "  as  I  was  walk- 
ing along  I  noticed  that  the  mud  was  very  thick, 
and  presently  I  saw  a  high  hat  afloat  on  a  large 
puddle  of  very  rich  ooze.  Thinking  to  do  some 
one  a  kindness,  I  gave  the  hat  a  poke  with  my 
stick,  when  an  old  gentleman  looked  up  from 
beneath,  surprised  and  frowning.  'Hello!'  I 
said.  *  You're  in  pretty  deep! '  *  Deeper  than 
you  think,'  he  said.  *  I'm  on  the  top  of  an 
omnibus! '  " 

THE  WISE  YOUNG  MAN 

"  Yes,"  said  the  old  man  to  his  young  visitor, 
"  I  am  proud  of  my  girls,  and  would  like  to  see 
them  comfortably  married,  and  as  I  have  made 
a  little  money  they  will  not  go  penniless  to  their 
husbands.  There  is  Mary,  twenty-five  years 
old,  and  a  really  good  girl.  I  shall  give  'her 
$1,000  when  she  marries.  Then  comes  Bet,  who 
won't  see  thirty-five  again,  and  I  shall  give  her 
48 


$3,000,  and  the  man  who  takes  Eliza,  who  is 
forty,  will  have  $5,000  with  her." 

The  young  man  reflected  for  a  moment  and 
then  inquired:  "  You  haven't  one  about  fifty, 
have  you?  " 

WOMAN  AT  THE  TELEPHONE 

"  Hello,  hello!  "  shouted  the  fireman  on  the 
engine  house  end  of  the  telephone,  in  answer 
to  a  long  ring. 

"  Hello! "  came  back  in  feminine  tones. 
"  Is  this  the  fire  station?  " 

"  Yes;   what  is  it?  " 

"  Well,  I  want  to  inform  you  that  my  yard 
runs  right  up  to  the  walk  that  runs  along  the 
side  of  the  Cummingses'  walk  next  door  —  " 

"  I  guess  you've  got  the  wrong  number, 
ma'am." 

"  You  said  this  was  the  fire  station,  didn't 
you?  " 

"  Yes;    but  —  " 

"  Well,  I  want  to  say  that  I'm  trying  very 
hard  to  raise  a  respectable  yardful  of  grass  and 
have  lately  planted  grass  seed  as  far  as  the  Cum- 
mingses' walk.  Then,  besides  the  grass  seed, 
I  had  it  all  tidied  up  and  made  ready  for  plant- 
ing bulbs,  and  —  " 

49 


mill 

"  I  say,  ma'am,  you  are  mistaken  in  the  tele- 
phone number.  This  —  " 

"  Isn't  this  the  fire  station?  " 

"  It  is;    but  —  " 

"  Very  well.  Now,  I  want  to  say  further  that 
however  careless  our  neighbors,  the  Cummingses, 
are  with  their  garden,  we  are  very,  very  much 
the  other  way.  In  fact,  a  pretty  lawn,  adorned 
with  a  variety  of  flowers,  is  what  I  and  my 
husband  are  looking  for  next  season,  and  we 
want  our  yard  to  appear  as  well  clear  up  to 
the  Cummingses'  sidewalk  as  it  is  possible  to 
have  it.  Why,  I  wouldn't  any  more  allow  a 
person  to  step  on  my  grass  seed  or  —  " 

"  For  Heaven's  sake,  ma'am,  what  has  this 
to  do  with  the  fire  station?  " 

"Oh,  well,  I  want  to  inform  you  that  our 
house  is  No.  200  School  Street,  and  that  the 
Cummingses'  house  next  door  is  afire.  Now, 
don't  let  your  firemen  trample  — 

But  the  fireman  had  dropped  the  receiver. 

REAL  ERUDITION 

The  new  minister  in  a  Georgia  church  was 
delivering  his  first  sermon.     The  darky  janitor 
was  a  critical  listener  from  a  back  corner  of  the 
50 


church.  The  minister's  sermon  was  eloquent, 
and  his  prayers  seemed  to  cover  the  whole  cate- 
gory of  human  wants. 

After  the  services  one  of  the  deacons  asked 
the  old  darky  what  he  thought  of  the  new  minis- 
ter. "  Don't  you  think  he  offers  up  a  good 
prayer,  Joe?  " 

"  Ah  mos'  suhtainly  does,  boss.  Why,  dat 
man  axed  de  good  Lord  fo'  things  dat  de  odder 
preacher  didn't  even  know  He  had! " 

SO  SWEET  OF  HIM 

"  Hullo,  old  man! "  exclaimed  Dubley,  at 
the  Literary  Circle  reception.  "  It's  a  pleasant 
surprise  to  meet  you  here." 

"  Good  of  you  to  say  so,  old  chap,"  replied 
Brown. 

"  Yes,  you  see,  I  was  afraid  I  wouldn't  find 
anybody  but  bright  and  cultured  people  here." 

SHE  GOT  THE  MONEY 

The  young  wife  of  a  Kaslo,  B.  C.,  man,  who 
is  not  especially  sweet-tempered,  one  day 
approached  her  lord  concerning  the  matter  of 
one  hundred  dollars  or  so. 

"  I'd  like  to  let  you  have  it,  my  dear,"  began 
51 


mill 

the  husband,  "  but  the  fact  is  I  haven't  that 
amount  in  the  bank  this  morning  —  that  is  to 
say,  I  haven't  that  amount  to  spare,  inasmuch 
as  I  must  take  up  a  note  for  two  hundred  dollars 
this  afternoon." 

"  Oh,  very  well,  James!  "  said  the  wife,  with 
an  ominous  calmness,  "  if  you  think  the  man 
who  holds  the  note  can  make  things  any  hotter 
for  you  than  I  can  —  why,  do  as  you  say, 
James! " 

AN  EYE  TO  THE  MAIN  CHANCE 

Mr.  Meenchus  (tossing  restlessly  on  his  sick 
bed)  —  My  dear,  it's  the  doctor  I'm  thinking 
of.  What  a  bill  this  will  be! 

Mrs.  Meenchus  —  Never  mind,  Joseph.  You 
know  there's  the  insurance  money! 

FOOD  FOR  BABES 

In  the  soft  twilight  of  the  sultry  summer 
day  mother  came  upon  Young  Hopeful  standing 
in  a  brown  study  by  the  greenhouse  door.  His 
hands  were  clasped  before  him,  his  lips  dejectedly 
parted. 

"  Why,   what's    the   matter,   lamb? "   asked 
mother,  bending  over  him. 
52 


"  I'm  finldn^  muvver." 
"  What  about,  little  man?  " 
"  Have  gooseberries  any  legs,  muvver?  " 
"  Why,  no,  of  course  not,  dearie! " 
A  deeper  shade  fell  athwart  Young  Hopeful's 
face  as  he  raised  his  eyes  to  hers. 

"  Then,  muvver,  I  fink  I've  swallered  a  cater- 
pillar! " 

FIRST  HAND  EVIDENCE 

Gentleman  (to  cigar  dealer)  —  Have  you  any 
so-and-so  brand  in  stock?  How  are  they? 

Dealer  —  First-class,  sir.  This  last  lot  is  an 
extremely  fine  one. 

Gentleman  (departing) — Thanks.  You  wrote 
that  they  were  very  poor,  but  I  am  pleased  to 
find  you  were  mistaken.  I  am  the  manu- 
facturer. Good-day. 

A  DELICATE  HINT 

Sandy  and  his  lass  had  been  sitting  together 
about  half  an  hour  in  silence. 

"  Maggie,"  he  said,  at  length,  "  wasna  I  here 
on  the  Sawbath  nicht?  " 

"  Aye,  Sandy,  I  daur  say  you  were." 

"  An'  wasna  I  here  on  Monday  nicht?  " 

"  Aye,  so  ye  were." 
53 


"  An'  I  was  here  on  Tuesday  nicht,  an* 
Wednesday  nicht,  an'  Thursday  nicht,  an' 
Friday  nicht?  " 

"  Aye,  I'm  thinkin'  that's  so." 

"  An'  this  is  Saturday  nicht,  an'  I'm  here 
again?  " 

"  Weel,  what  for,  no?  I'm  sure  ye're  very 
welcome." 

Sandy  (desperately):  "  Maggie,  woman!  D'e 
no  begin  to  smell  a  rat?  " 

NO  ESCAPE  FOR  HIM 

"  How  dare  you  come  on  parade,"  exclaimed 
an  Irish  sergeant  to  a  recruit,  "  before  a  respict- 
ible  man  loike  mesilf  smothered  from  head  to 
foot  in  graise  an'  poipe  clay?  Tell  me  now  — 
answer  me  when  I  spake  to  yez!  " 

The  recruit  was  about  to  excuse  himself  for 
his  condition  when  the  sergeant  stopped  him. 

"  Dare  yez  to  answer  me  when  I  puts  a  ques- 
tion to  yez? "  he  cried.  "  Hould  yer  lyin' 
tongue,  and  open  yer  face  at  yer  peril!  Tell  me 
now,  what  have  ye  been  doin'  wid  yer  uniform 
an'  arms  an'  bilts?  Not  a  word,  or  I'll  clap  yez 
in  the  guard-room.  When  I  axes  yez  anything 
an*  yez  spakes  I'll  have  yez  tried  for  insolence 
54 


van 

to  yer  superior  officer,  but  if  yez  don't  answer 
when  I  questions  yez,  I'll  have  yez  punished 
for  disobedience  of  orders!  So,  yez  see,  I  have 
yez  both  ways!  " 

WRONG  DOCTOR 

A  short  time  ago  a  young  lady  was  troubled 
with  a  boil  on  her  knee  which  grew  so  bad  that 
she  thought  it  necessary  to  call  in  a  physician. 
She  had  formed  a  dislike  for  the  family  physician, 
so  her  father  suggested  several  others,  and 
finally  said  that  he  would  call  in  the  physician 
with  the  homoeopathic  case,  who  passed  the 
house  every  day.  They  kept  a  sharp  lookout 
for  him,  and  when  he  came  along  he  was  called 
in.  The  young  lady  modestly  showed  him  the 
disabled  member.  The  little  man  looked  at  it 
and  said:  "  Why,  that's  pretty  bad."  "  Well," 
she  said,  "  what  must  I  do?  "  "  If  I  were  you," 
he  answered,  "  I  would  send  for  a  physician. 
I  am  a  piano-tuner." 

FRUITLESS 

Little    Mollie    had    hastily    undressed,    and 
jumped  into  bed  without  saying  her  prayers. 
"  Why,  dearest! "  said  her  nurse,  "  aren't  you 
55 


going  to  say  your  prayers  to-night,  especially 
when  you  have  had  a  new  baby  brother  brought 
to  the  house  to-day?  " 

"  No,  I  ain't,"  said  Mollie.  "  And  that  baby 
brother's  just  the  trouble." 

."  But  why?  "  asked  the  nurse.  "  Don't  you 
like  your  baby  brother?  " 

"  What's  the  use? "  queried  the  little  girl. 
"  I've  been  prayin'  for  a  little  sister  every  night 
for  six  months,  and  Bobbie,  he  only  began 
askin'  for  a  little  brother  yesterday,  and  he  got 
his  right  off." 

THE  SUFFRAGETTE  IN  BUSINESS 

The  theater  express  was  crowded  and  those 
nearby  heard  her  say  to  her  husband:  "  I  am 
just  simply  disgusted  with  my  banking  house; 
really,  they  are  the  limit." 

"  What  is  the  trouble,  honey;  what  have  they 
done?  " 

"  Why,  that  impertinent  cashier  sent  me  a 
formal  note  to-day,  to  say  that  I  had  over- 
drawn my  account  for  $25." 

"  Well,  that's  just  a  business  form;  it's  cus- 
tomary." 

"  Yes,  but  it's  not  customary  to  do  it  twice, 
is  it?" 

56 


mm 

"  That  depends.  If  you  don't  pay  promptly 
they  do." 

"  Yes,  but  I  did  pay  them,"  and  she  was  very 
positive  in  her  indignation,  "  and  that  silly 
cashier  knew  it,  too,  for  I  sent  him  my  check  for 
the  amount  yesterday." 

NOT  OPEN  TO  EVERYBODY 

"  A  most  peculiar  effect  was  produced  by  an 
announcement  in  the  advertisements  of  a  county 
fair  to  be  held  in  my  State,"  says  Congressman 
Champ  Clark.  "  Among  other  things,  the  an- 
nouncement said  that  '  attractive  features  of 
this  great  Fair  will  be  highly  amusing  donkey- 
races  and  pig-races.'  Then,  to  the  amazement 
of  the  judicious,  this  note  was  added:  •*  Compe- 
tition hi  these  two  contests  will  be  open  to  citi- 
zens of  the  county  only! '  " 

NOT  QUITE  TACTFUL 

Widow  (tearfully)  —  John  was  such  a  hand 
to  worry  when  things  didn't  go  right.  He  sun  ply 
wore  himself  out  doing  it.  Why,  the  very  last 
day  he  lived  he  was  fretting  because  the  price 
of  coal  had  gone  up  fifty  cents  a  ton. 

Friend  (trying  to  say  something  consoling) 
57 


mill 

—  It  is  too  bad  —  too  bad,  madam!  But  your 
husband  is  over  all  his  troubles  at  last.  He 
won't  have  to  worry  over  the  price  of  coal  where 
he  is  now. 

TOO  MUCH  OF  A  GOOD  THING 

Little  Johnnie,  who  had  been  praying  for 
some  months  for  God  to  send  him  a  baby 
brother,  finally  became  discouraged.  "  I  don't 
believe  God  has  any  more  little  boys  to  send," 
he  told  his  mother,  "  and  I'm  going  to  stop  it." 

Early  one  morning  not  long  after  this  he  was 
taken  into  his  mother's  room  to  see  twin  boys, 
who  had  arrived  in  the  night.  Johnnie  regarded 
them  thoughtfully  for  some  minutes.  "  Golly," 
he  remarked,  finally,  "  it's  a  good  thing  I  stopped 
praying  when  I  did." 

HIS  METHOD 

A  lawyer  once  asked  a  man  who  had  at  vari- 
ous times  sat  on  several  juries:  "  Who  influenced 
you  most,  the  lawyers,  the  witnesses,  or  the 
judge?  " 

He  expected  to  get  some  useful  and  interest- 
ing information  from  so  experienced  a  juryman. 
This  was  the  man's  reply: 
58 


"  I'll  tell  yer,  sir,  'ow  I  makes  up  my  mind. 
I'm  a  plain  man  and  a  reasonin'  man,  and  I 
ain't  influenced  by  anything  the  lawyers  say, 
nor  by  what  the  witnesses  say;  no,  nor  by  what 
the  judge  says.  I  just  looks  at  the  man  in  the 
dock,  and  I  says:  '  If  he  ain't  done  nothing, 
why's  he  there?  '  and  I  brings  'em  all  in  guilty." 

MODEL  HUSBAND 

A  certain  Atlanta  man  came  down  to  his 
office,  grinning  all  over  his  face.  All  morning 
long  he  hummed  and  whistled,  till  his  partner 
asked  him  what  he'd  had. 

"My  wife  told  me  this  morning  that  I  was  a 
model  husband." 

"  I  don't  call  that  much  of  a  compliment," 
said  the  other.  "  You  just  look  that  word  up 
in  the  dictionary,"  was  the  advice. 

He  went  to  the  dictionary  and  this  is  what  it 
read,  "Model  —  a  small  pattern;  a  miniature 
of  something  on  a  larger  scale." 

CULINARY  NOTE 

"  Ma  wants   two   pounds   of  butter  exactly 
like  what  you  sent  us  last.     If  it  ain't  exactly 
like  that  she  won't  take  it,"  said  the  small  boy. 
59 


?i?ruo  mm 

The  grocer  turned  to  his  numerous  customers 
and  remarked  blandly: 

"  Some  people  in.  my  business  don't  like  par- 
ticular customers,  but  I  do.  It's  my  delight  to 
serve  them  and  get  them  what  they  want.  I 
will  attend  to  you  in  a  moment,  little  boy." 

"  Be  sure  to  get  the  same  kind,"  said  the 
boy.  "  A  lot  of  pa's  relations  is  visiting  at  our 
house,  and  ma  doesn't  want  'em  to  come  again." 

BUSY  PAPA 

"  Mamma,"  asked  little  three-year-old  Fred- 
die, "  are  we  going  to  heaven  some  day? " 
"  Yes,  dear,  I  hope  so,"  was  the  reply.  "  I  wish 
papa  could  go,  too,"  continued  the  little  fellow. 
"  Well,  and  don't  you  think  he  will?  "  asked  his 
mother.  "  Oh  no,"  replied  Freddie,  "  he  could 
not  leave  his  business." 

ELIZABETH  AGAIN 

Local  Elks  are  having  a  lot  of  fun  with  a 
member  of  their  lodge,  a  Fifteenth  Street  jeweler. 
The  other  day  his  wife  was  in  the  jewelry  store 
when  the  'phone  rang.  She  answered  it. 

"  I  want  to  speak  to  Mr.  H ,"  said  a 

woman's  voice. 

60 


mm 

"  Who  is  this?  "  demanded  the  jeweler's  wife. 

"  Elizabeth." 

"  Well,  Elizabeth,  this  is  his  wife.  Now, 
madam,  what  do  you  want?  " 

"  I  want  to  speak  to  Mr.  H ." 

"  You'll  talk  to  me." 

"  Please  let  me  speak  to  Mr.  H ." 

The  jeweler's  wife  grew  angry.  "  Look  here, 
young  lady,"  she  said,  "  who  are  you  that  calls 
my  husband  and  insists  on  talking  to  him?  " 

"  I'm  the  telephone  operator  at  Elizabeth," 
came  the  reply. 

And  now  the  Elks  take  turns  calling  the 
jeweler  up  and  telling  him  it's  Elizabeth. 

LIGHT  OF  LIFE 

Mrs.  Newwed  —  John,  am  I  still  the  light  of 
your  life? 

Mr.  Newwed  —  Quit  your  kidding.  I  just 
paid  a  nine-dollar  gas  bill  this  morning. 

GEMS 

A  teacher  in  one  of  the  Topeka  schools  read 
at  a  recent  teachers'  meeting  from  a  collection 
of  quaint  examination  answers  that  she  had  been 
gathering  for  some  years. 
61 


mm 

The  gems  of  the  collection  were: 

"  A  blizzard  is  the  inside  of  a  hen." 

"  The  equator  is  a  menagerie  lion  running 

round  the  earth." 

"  Oxygen  is  a  thing  that  has  eight  sides." 

"  The  cuckoo  never  lays  its  own  eggs." 

"  A  mosquito  is  a  child  of  black  and  white 

parents." 

A  TANNER 

Stranger  —  Isn't  your  father  a  lawyer? 
Small  Boy  —  Most  of  the  time;   but  when  I 
misbehave  he's  a  tanner. 

THE  MEDDLESOME  LAW 

A  little  man  slunk  out  of  a  house  on  the 
avenue,  glanced  up  apprehensively  at  its  front 
windows,  then  darted  down  the  street.  Before 
he  had  traversed  twenty  steps,  however,  he 
found  himself  in  the  clutches  of  a  huge  police- 
man. 

"  Let  me  go,  officer!  "  he  pleaded,  as  the  grim 
custodian  of  the  law  held  him  fast. 

"  Not  much,  I  won't.  What're  you  acting  so 
suspiciously  around  here  for,  eh?  " 

"  I  live  in  that  house  there,"  was  the  discom- 
fited man's  explanation.  "  Don't  hold;  let 
me  go,  I  say! " 

62 


mm 

"Oh,  you  live  there,  do  you?  Come,  that's 
too  thin.  You  just  walk  back  to  that  house 
with  me  and  prove  it! " 

"But  my  wife  is  getting  ready  to  spend  the 
day  out;  you'll  get  me  hi  a  fix,  officer! " 

"  That's  what  I'm  paid  for  —  Step  lively, 
now,  and  we'll  see  what  your  game  is!  " 

So  back  they  went,  the  officer  tightly  clutch- 
ing his  protesting  charge.  When  the  front 
door  of  the  house  hi  point  was  reached  an  upper 
window  flew  up  and  a  woman's  head  popped  out. 

"  Oh,  was  he  trying  to  sneak  off,  Mister 
Policeman?  "  she  sweetly  asked. 

"  He  was,  ma'am.    He  says  he  lives  here!  " 

"  He  does,  officer,  thank  you,  he's  my  hus- 
band." 

The  policeman  stared. 

"  But  bring  him  hi,"  she  continued.  "  I  want 
him  to  button  the  back  of  my  dress  before  he 
goes  down  to  his  office." 

THE  BRUTE 

She  was  in  an  imaginative  mood. 

"  Henry,  dear,"  she  said  after  talking  two 
hours  without  a  recess,  "  I  sometimes  wish 
I  were  a  mermaid." 

63 


mm 

"  It  would  be  fatal,"  snapped  her  weary 
hubby. 

"  Fatal!     In  what  way?  " 

"  Why,  you  couldn't  keep  your  mouth  closed 
long  enough  to  keep  from  drowning." 

And  after  that,  Henry  did  not  get  any  supper. 

HAIR  PICKING 

He  —  Have  you  noticed  that  long  hair  makes 
a  man  look  intellectual? 

She  —  Well,  I've  seen  wives  pick  them  off 
their  husband's  coats  when  it  made  them  look 
foolish. 

SOME  PLUCK  ABOUT  HIM 

The  old  gentleman,  in  his  heart,  did  not  object 
to  the  young  man  as  a  son-in-law,  but  he  was 
one  of  that  kind  of  gentlemen  who  like  to  raise 
objections  first,  and  then  reach  an  agreement 
as  though  conferring  a  favor.  When  the  young 
man  called  he  was  ready  for  him. 

"  So,"  he  interrupted,  fiercely,  almost  before 
the  suitor  could  commence,  "  you  want  me  to 
let  you  marry  my  daughter,  do  you?  " 

The  young  man  very  coolty  responded: 

"  I  didn't  say  so,  did  I?  " 
64 


The  old  gentleman  gasped. 

"  But  you  were  going  to  say  so! " 

"  Who  told  you  I  was?  "  inquired  the  appli- 
cant, seeing  his  advantage. 

"  But  you  want  me  to  let  you  marry  her, 
don't  you?" 

"  No." 

"  No! "  exclaimed  the  old  gentleman,  almost 
falling  off  his  chair. 

"  That's  what  I  said." 

"  Then  what  the  mischief  do  you  want?  " 

"  I  want  you  to  give  your  consent,"  replied 
the  youth,  pleasantly.  "  I  am  going  to  marry 
her,  anyhow,  but  we  thought  your  consent 
wouldn't  be  a  bad  thing  to  have  as  a  start." 

It  took  the  old  gentleman  a  minute  to  realize 
the  situation.  When  he  did  he  put  out  his 
hand. 

"  Shake  hands,  my  boy,"  said  he.  "  I've  been 
looking  for  a  son-in-law  with  some  pluck  about 
him,  and  I'm  sure  you'll  do  first-class." 

S.  P.  G. 

Tommy,  fourteen   years  old,   arrived  home 

for  the  holidays,  and  at  his  father's  request 

produced  his  account  book,  duly  kept  at  school. 

Among  the  items  "  S.  P.  G."  figured  largelv- 

65 


33 til! 

and  frequently.  "  Darling  boy,"  fondly  ex- 
claimed his  doting  mamma:  "  see  how  good  he 
is  —  always  giving  to  the  missionaries."  But 
Tommy's  sister  knew  him  better  than  even  his 
mother  did,  and  took  the  first  opportunity  of 
privately  inquiring  what  those  mystic  letters 
stood  for.  Nor  was  she  surprised  ultimately 
to  find  that  they  represented,  not  the  venerable 
Society  for  the  Propagation  of  the  Gospel,  but 
"Sundries,  Probably  Grub." 

AN  UNDERSTANDING 

Hub  (during  a  quarrel)  —  You  talk  like  an 
idiot. 

Wife  —  I've  got  to  talk  so  you  can  under- 
stand me. 

THE  MOMENT  OF  HIS  LIFE 

She  cuddled  close  up  to  him,  for  it  was  only 
the  seventh  anniversary  of  their  marriage. 

"  Archie,  dearest,"  she  whispered,  "  what 
was  the  happiest  moment  of  your  life?  " 

"  Ah,"  he  replied,  "  how  well  I  remember 
it!     I  can  never  forget  —  not  even  if  I  rival 
Methuselah  in  age!    It  will  always  stand  out  as 
plainly  as  it  does  to-night! " 
66 


mil! 

She  sighed  and  nestled  closer. 

"  And  when  was  it,  Archie,  love? "  she 
pressed. 

"  Have  you  not  guessed?  "  he  answered.  "  It 
was  when  you  came  to  me  last  month  and  told 
me  your  mother  would  not  be  able  to  spend 
her  usual  four  months'  holiday  with  us  this 
year! " 

And  they  lived  unhappily  ever  after. 

SOMETHING  FANCY 

Waiter  —  Table  d'hote,  sir? 

Uncle  Cy  — What's  a  tabledote? 

Waiter  —  Course  dinner,  sir. 

Uncle  Cy  —  Nit  fur  me.  I  git  all  the  coarse 
grub  I  need  to  home,  and  when  I  git  to  town 
I  want  somethin'  a  bit  fancy. 

HIS  CURIOUS  INDIFFERENCE 

She  looked  magnificent  as  she  stood  before 
him. 

"  Don't  I  look  pretty  to-night?  "  she  asked 
expectantly. 

"  Splendid,"  he  replied,  but  without  enthu- 
siasm. 

"  You're  so  cold,"  she  protested.  "  Other 
67 


men  pay  me  homage  though  I  seek  it  not.  But 
you  —  why  is  it  you  never  seem  to  —  to  care?  " 
"  Perhaps,"  he  said,  "  it  is  best  that  I  should 
tell  you.  The  fact  is,  I  worked  for  several  years 
in  a  drug  store." 

NEAR   HOME 

Emily  —  It  is  delightful  to  feel  that  one  is 
so  near  home.  We  ought  to  sight  Sandy  Hook 
this  afternoon. 

Dora  — Shall  we?  How  delightful!  Don't 
tell  me  which  he  is.  I  can  always  pick  out  a 
Scotchman  out  of  a  hundred. 

NOT  PROPER 

A  love-smitten  youth  who  was  studying  the 
approved  method  of  proposal  asked  one  of  his 
bachelor  friends  if  he  thought  that  a  young  man 
should  propose  to  a  girl  on  his  knees. 

"  If  he  doesn't,"  replied  his  friend,  "  the  girl 
should  get  off." 

DEFINITIONS 

Inquiring  Son  —  Papa,  what  is  reason? 
Fond    Parent  —  Reason,    my    boy,    is    that 
which  enables  a  man  to  determine  what  is  right. 

68 


And  what  is  instinct? 

Instinct  is  that  which  tells  a  woman  she  is 
right,  whether  she  is  or  not. 

A  "FLOORIST" 

"  How  did  you  contrive  to  cultivate  such  a 
beautiful  black  eye?  "  asked  Brown. 

"  Oh!  "  replied  Fogg,  who  had  been  practising 
upon  roller  skates,  "  I  raised  it  from  a  slip." 

THE  SMALLEST 

A  conductor  on  the  Hammersmith  to  Hamp- 
ton Court  tram  car  had  a  good  run  of  business 
on  Sunday  afternoon,  but  he  had  difficulty  in 
keeping  himself  supplied  with  small  change. 
Many  persons  who  patronized  his  car  handed 
him  sovereigns  and  half-sovereigns  in  payment 
of  their  fares. 

The  conductor  managed  to  get  along  fairly 
well  until  a  woman,  carrying  a  tiny  infant, 
boarded  his  car. 

When  he  approached  the  woman  for  her  fare 
she  handed  him  a  sovereign. 

"  Is  that  the  smallest  you  have,  madam?  " 
queried  the  conductor,  fearing  another  run 
upon  his  change. 

69 


mm 

The  woman  looked  at  the  conductor  and 
then  at  the  baby,  and  made  this  surprising 
reply: 

"  Yes.  I  have  been  married  only  twelve 
months." 

A  GOOD  SHOT 

Two  "  jags  "  were  ambling  homeward  at  an 
early  hour,  after  being  out  nearly  all  night. 
"  Don't  your  wife  miss  you  on  these  occasions?  " 
asked  one.  "  Not  often,"  replied  the  other; 
"  she  throws  pretty  straight." 

IT  WASN'T 

De  Kitt  —  Your  lecture  on  the  appendix  was 
immense.  I  didn't  think  it  was  in  you. 

De  Witt  —  It  isn't.    I  had  it  cut  out  last  year. 

A  THOUGHTFUL  GIFT 

Tom  went  out  to  buy  a  pair  of  gloves  for  his 
sweetheart's  Christmas  present  and  to  make 
a  purchase  for  his  father.  Of  course,  he  got 
things  mixed,  as  they  always  do  in  stories,  and 
the  young  lady  received  a  pah-  of  heavy  woolen 
men's  socks  with  the  following  note: 

"  Dear  Helen:  Please  accept  these  in  con- 
70 


mm 

sideration  of  my  love  for  you.  Oh,  that  I  were 
to  be  the  only  one  to  see  them  when  you  wear 
them.  If  you  find  any  difficulty  in  getting  them 
on,  blow  hi  them.  Yours  affectionately, 

"  Tom." 
UNAPPRECIATIVE 

A  Canadian  author  wrote  an  anthem  for  a 
recent  celebration  in  Toronto. 

Toward  the  end  of  the  exercises,  when  the 
people  were  going  out  a  few  at  a  tune,  the  author 
rushed  to  the  conductor  and  said: 

"  Is  it  over?  " 

"  Practically." 

"  But,  Great  Scott!  man,  they  haven't  sung 
my  anthem! " 

"  Well,"  said  the  conductor,  "  so  long  as  the 
people  are  going  out  peacefully  and  quietly, 
why  sing  it  at  all?  " 

DISAGREED 

Two  young  men  who  had  been  chums  at 
college  went  abroad  together.  One  conscien- 
tiously wanted  to  visit  every  spot  mentioned 
in  the  guide  books;  the  other  was  equally  con- 
scientious about  having  a  hilarious  time.  This 
naturally  led  to  disagreements.  In  the  course 
71 


?i?eiio  mill 

of  one  of  these,  the  lover  of  pleasure  said 
tauntingly: 

"Perhaps  you  are  doing  these  places  so 
thoroughly  because  you  are  going  to  write  a 
book  about  your  trip." 

"  I  should,"  replied  the  other  promptly,  "  if 
Robert  Louis  Stevenson  hadn't  pre-empted  the 
title  I  want  to  use." 

"  What's  that?  " 

"  *  Travels  with  a  Donkey.'  " 

NO  DANGER 

Much  sobered  by  the  importance  of  the  news 
he  had  to  communicate,  youthful  Thomas 
strode  into  the  house  and  said  breathlessly: 

"  Mother,  they  have  a  new  baby  next  door 
and  the  lady  over  there  is  awful  sick.  Mother, 
you  ought  to  go  right  in  and  see  her." 

"  Yes,  dear,"  said  the  mother.  "  I  will  go 
over  hi  a  day  or  two,  just  as  soon  as  she  gets 
better." 

"  But,  mother,"  persisted  Thomas,  "  I  think 
you  ought  to  go  in  right  away;  she  is  real  sick 
and  maybe  you  can  do  something  to  help." 

"  Yes,  dear,"  said  his  mother  patiently,  "  but 
wait  a  day  or  so  until  she  is  just  a  little  better." 

Thomas  seemed  much  dissatisfied  at  his 
72 


mn\ 

mother's  apparent  lack  of  neighborly  interest, 
and  then  something  seemed  to  dawn  upon  him, 
for  he  blurted  out: 

"  Mother,  you  needn't  be  afraid  —  it  ain't 
catching." 

KNOWN  BY  HIS  FRIENDS 

A  forlorn-looking  man  was  brought  before 
a  magistrate  for  drunkenness  and  disorderly 
conduct.  When  asked  what  he  had  to  say  for 
himself  he  gazed  pensively  at  the  judge, 
smoothed  down  a  remnant  of  gray  hair,  and 
said: 

"  Your  honor,  '  Man's  inhumanity  to  man 
makes  countless  thousands  mourn.'  I'm  not 
as  debased  as  Swift,  as  profligate  as  Byron,  as 
dissipated  as  Poe,  or  as  debauched  as  —  " 

"  That  will  do,"  thundered  the  magistrate. 
"  Thirty  days!  And,  officer,  take  a  list  of  those 
names  and  run  'em  in.  They're  as  bad  a  lot  as 
he  is." 

WHO  DONE  IT? 

A  teacher  in  the  primary  grade  of  a  Newark 
school  was  instructing  her  class  in  the  composi- 
tion of  sentences.    After  a  talk  of  several  min- 
utes, she  wrote  two  sentences  on  the  blackboard, 
73 


mill 

one  grammatically  wrong,  the  other  a  mis- 
statement  of  facts.  The  sentences  were:  "  The 
hen  has  three  legs.  Who  done  it?  "  "  Willie," 
she  said,  "go  to  the  blackboard  and  show 
where  the  fault  lies  in  these  two  sentences." 
Willie  did  so.  To  her  astonishment,  he  wrote: 
"  The  hen  never  done  it;  God  done  it." 

AN  EXPERT 

"  Do  you  know  what  to  do  if  the  car  should 
break  down? "  asked  the  thoughtful  mother 
of  the  young  man  who  was  going  to  take  her 
daughter  out  in  his  new  Napier. 

"  Certainly,"  he  answered. 

The  young  people  were  quite  late  in  returning. 
The  fair  young  daughter  rushed  in  to  her  mother 
and  said: 

"  Oh,  mamma,  the  car  did  break  down!  But 
Jack  knew  exactly  what  to  do!  We  —  we  are 
engaged! " 

HONESTY  PROVEN 

District  Attorney  Jerome,  at  a  dinner  in  New 
York,  told  a  story  about  honesty.  "  There 
was  a  man,"  he  said,  "  who  applied  for  a  posi- 
tion in  a  dry-goods  house.  His  appearance 
wasn't  prepossessing,  and  references  were  de- 
74 


?£?ello  mill 

inanded.  After  some  hesitation,  he  gave  the 
name  of  a  driver  hi  the  firm's  employ.  This 
driver,  he  thought,  would  vouch  for  him.  A 
clerk  sought  out  the  driver,  and  asked  him  if 
the  applicant  was  honest.  "  Honest? "  the 
driver  said.  "  Why,  his  honesty's  been  proved 
again  and  again.  To  my  certain  knowledge 
he's  been  arrested  nine  times  for  stealing  and 
every  time  he  was  acquitted." 

A  PROTRACTED  VISIT 

"  I  don't  think  your  father  feels  very  kindly 
toward  me,"  said  Mr.  Staylate. 

"  You  misjudge  him.  The  morning  after 
you  called  on  me  last  week  he  seemed  quite 
worried  for  fear  I  had  not  treated  you  with 
proper  courtesy." 

"  Indeed!    What  did  he  say?  " 

"  He  asked  me  how  I  could  be  so  rude  as  to 
let  you  go  away  without  your  breakfast." 

TROUBLE  ENOUGH 

Robert  W.  Chambers,  the  novelist,  often  tells 
of  a  lady,  who,  on  the  way  back  from  her  hus- 
band's  funeral,   stopped   with   her   supporters 
at  a  house  of  refreshment.    Gin  was  chosen  as 
75 


the  beverage  best  suited  to  the  occasion,  and 
a  liberal  quantity  of  the  transparent  fluid  was 
poured  into  the  bereaved  lady's  glass.  "  Any 
water,  Min?  "  one  of  the  other  ladies  asked  her, 
holding  out  the  pitcher.  But  she  did  not  deign 
to  lift  her  face  from  her  handkerchief. 
"  Water?  "  she  sobbed.  "  Water?  Good  heav- 
ens, ain't  I  got  trouble  enough  as  it  is?  " 

HE  DID  IT  IN  THE  6O'S 

She  —  Yes,  indeed!  My  father  is  a  self- 
made  man.  Why,  he  went  hi  the  Fakeall  Hard- 
ware Store  as  an  office  boy  at  $12  per  month, 
and  in  less  than  eight  years  he  owned  the  store. 

He  — That's  good!  But  I  couldn't  do  that 
in  the  store  I'm  working  in  now. 

She  — How's  that? 

He  —  Oh,  we  have  cash  registers. 

NOISY  PLACE 

Two  women,  walking  along  one  of  the  busi- 
ness thoroughfares  of  New  York,  heard  a  great 
shouting  of  "  Extry,  extry,"  and  looked  about 
to  see  where  all  the  noise  was  coming  from. 
Across  the  street  they  spied  one  very  small 
newsboy  shouting  with  all  his  might.  One  of 
76 


the  women,  attracting  the  boy's  attention,  called 
him  to  her  and  bought  a  paper;  then,  as  she 
dropped  the  pennies  into  the  little  fellow's  hand, 
she  said:  "  You  mustn't  make  so  much  noise, 
my  little  man;  you  can  sell  your  papers  just  as 
well  without  yelling  so."  For  hah5  a  second  the 
boy  looked  up  at  her  in  surprise,  then  exclaimed: 
"  You  don't  understand,  missus;  you've  got 
to  yell  like  hell  to  make  a  living  in  New  York." 

IN  THE  GARDEN 

Mr.  S —  -  offered  a  young  colored  man  fif- 
teen cents  to  cut  the  grass  about  his  home. 

Returning  a  few  hours  later,  Mr.  S saw  the 

darky  whom  he  had  hired  lying  in  the  shade 
of  some  trees  watching  another  darky  cut  the 
grass. 

"What's  the  matter,  Sam?"  inquired  Mr. 
g ^ 

"  Nawthin',  sah,"  returned  the  negro,  pla- 
cidly. "  Jim  just  happened  along  and  done 
offered  to  take  the  job  offen  my  hands,  and  I 
'lowed  he  could  do  it  just  as  well  as  I  could, 
sah." 

"  Oh,  it's  all  right,  Sam.  I  suppose  you  are 
making  something  off  the  deal,  aren't  you?  " 
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mill 

Mr.  S —  -  queried,  amused  at  the  lordly  air  of 
Sam. 

"  No,  sah,"  replied  the  negro.  "  I  done  tole 
that  Jim  I'd  give  him  two  bits  (twenty-five 
cents)  to  cut  that  thar  grass." 

"  Two  bits!  "  exclaimed  Mr.  S .  "  Why, 

Sam,  you  are  an  awful  fool.  That  is  ten  cents 
more  than  I  am  going  to  pay  you." 

"  Yes,  sah,"  Sam  rejoined,  amiably.  "  I 
know  dat,  sah;  but  I  calc'late  it's  wuth  ten 
cents  to  me  to  be  boss  for  a  whole  afternoon, 
sah." 

COSTLY  ADVICE 

An  impecunious  young  lawyer  recently  re- 
ceived the  following  letter  from  a  tailor  to  whom 
he  was  indebted:  — 

"  Dear  Sir:  Kindly  advise  me  by  return 
mail  when  I  may  expect  a  remittance  from  you 
in  settlement  of  my  account. 

"  Yours  truly, 

"J.  Snippen." 

The  follower  of  Blacks  tone  immediately  re- 
plied: — 

"  Dear  Sir:  I  have  your  request  for  advice 
of  a  recent  date,  and  beg  leave  to  say  that  not 
having  received  any  retainer  from  you  I  cannot 
78 


mm 

act  in  the  premises.  Upon  receipt  of  your 
check  for  $250  I  shall  be  very  glad  to  look  the 
matter  up  for  you  and  to  acquaint  you  with 
the  results  of  my  investigations.  I  am,  sir, 
with  great  respect,  your  most  obedient  servant, 

"  Barclay  B.  Coke." 

THEN  THE  TROUBLE  BEGAN 

O' Flanagan  came  home  'one  night  with  a 
deep  band  of  black  crape  around  his  hat. 

"  Why,  Mike,"  exclaimed  his  wife,  "  what 
are  you  wearing  that  mournful  thing  for?  " 

"  I'm  wearing  it  for  your  first  husband,"  re- 
plied Mike,  firmly;  "  I'm  sorry  he's  dead." 

THOUGHT  SHE'D  GONE 

When  Mr.  Daniels  went  down  to  the  club 
he  left  Mrs.  Daniels  with  a  lady  friend  whose 
abilities  as  a  scandal-monger  and  mischief- 
maker  are  pre-eminent.  When  he  returned 
he  just  poked  his  head  into  the  drawing-room 
and  said,  with  a  sigh  of  relief: 

"  That  old  cat  gone,  I  suppose?  " 

For  just  an  instant  there  was  a  dreadful 
silence,  for  as  he  uttered  the  last  word  he  en- 
countered the  stony  glare  of  the  lady  who  had 
79 


been  in  his  mind.     Then  Mrs.   Daniels  spoke 
quite  calmly: 

"  The  old  cat?  "  she  said.  "  Oh,  yes,  dear; 
I  sent  it  to  the  Cats'  Home  in  a  basket  first 
thing  this  morning!  " 

WISE  FORETHOUGHT 

"  Now,  Pat,  would  you  sooner  lose  your 
money  or  your  life?  " 

"  Why,  me  loife,  yer  reverence;  I  want  me 
money  for  me  old  age." 

THOUGHTFUL 

The  Youngs  had  dropped  in  unexpectedly 
upon  the  Baileys  just  as  dinner  was  about  to  be 
served.  Mother,  who  was  somewhat  disturbed, 
called  Helen  aside  and  explained  that  there 
would  not  be  oysters  enough  to  go  round,  and 
added:  "  Now  you  and  I  will  just  have  some  of 
the  broth.  And  please  not  make  any  fuss  about 
it  at  the  table." 

Little  Helen  promised  to  be  good  and  say 
nothing.  But  when  the  oysters  were  served, 
Helen  discovered  a  small  one  that  had  been 
accidentally  ladled  up  with  her  broth.  She  could 
not  remember  any  instructions  that  covered 
this  contingency,  so  after  studying  the  situation 
80 


mu\ 

a  while  she  held  the  oyster  up  as  high  as  she 
could  on  her  spoon  and  piped  out: 

"  Mamma,  Mamma,  shouldn't  Mrs.  Young 
have  this  oyster,  too?  " 

TOO  THICK 

Author  —  Have  you  read  my  new  book? 
Friend  —  Yes. 

Author  —  What  do  you  think  of  it? 
Friend  —  Well,    to   be   candid   with   you,    I 
think  the  covers  are  too  far  apart. 

EASILY  DIRECTED 

A  large  masculine-looking  woman  entered  a 
department  store  and  accosted  the  floor-walker 
in  a  loud  tone: 

"  I  want  to  get  something  out  of  the  ordinary, 
something  that  none  of  the  other  women  are 
wearing,  something,  however,  that  will  suit  me.". 

"  Certainly,  Madam.  Men's  Clothing,  third 
floor,  front." 

FRACTIONS 

Teacher  (giving  a  lesson  on  fractions)  — 
Here,  children,  is  a  piece  of  meat.  If  I  cut  it  in 
two,  what  shall  I  have? 

Class  —  Halves! 

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mm 

Teacher  —  And  if  I  cut  it  again  in  two,  what 
do  I  get? 

Class  —  Quarters! 

Teacher  —  And  if  I  again  do  the  same? 

Class  —  Eighths! 

Teacher  —  And  if  I  continue  in  the  same  way? 

Class  (a  duet)  —  Sixteenths! 

Teacher  —  Good!  And  if  we  cut  our  pieces 
once  more  in  two,  what  then  shall  we  have? 

Tommy  (after  a  long  silence)  —  Please,  miss, 
mincemeat! 

DOWNRIGHT  LAZINESS 

George  Washington  drew  a  long  sigh  and  said: 
"  Ah  wish  Ah  had  a  hundred  watermillions." 

Dixie's  eyes  lighted.     "  Hum!     Dat  would 
suttenly  be  fine!     An'  ef  yo'  had  a  hundred 
watermillions  would  yo'  gib  me  fifty?  " 
"  No,  Ah  wouldn't." 
"  Wouldn't  yo'  gib  me  twenty-five?  " 
"  No,  Ah  wouldn't  gib  yo'  no  twenty-five." 
Dixie  gazed  with  reproachful  eyes  at  his  close- 
fisted  friend.     "  Seems  to  me,  you's  powahful 
stingy,  George  Washington,"  he  said,  and  then 
continued  in  a  heartbroken  voice.    "  Wouldn't 
yo'  gib  me  one?  " 

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mill 

"  No,  Ah  wouldn't  gib  yo'  one.  Look  a-heah, 
niggah!  Are  yo'  so  good  for  nuffen  lazy  dat  yo' 
cahn't  wish  fo'  yo'  own  watermillions?  " 

NOT  YET 

Uncle  Ellery  —  Now,  I'll  learn  ye  to  milk  the 
cow. 

Nephew  from  the  City  —  Oh,  unkie,  I'm 
kinder  'fraid  o'  the  cow;  couldn't  I  just  as  well 
learn  on  the  calf? 

NO  ANNOYANCE 

Tourist  —  You  have  an  unusually  large  acre- 
age of  corn  under  cultivation;  don't  the  crows 
annoy  you  a  good  deal? 

Farmer  —  Oh,  not  to  any  extent. 

Tourist  —  That's  singular,  considering  you 
have  no  scarecrows. 

Farmer  —  Oh  well,  you  see,  I'm  out  here  a 
good  part  of  the  time  myself. 

PUNCTUATION  MADE  EASY 

Returning  from  school  the  other  afternoon 
little  Edith  proudly  informed  her  mother  that 
she  had  learned  to  "  punchuate." 
83 


"  Well,  dear,  and  how  is  it  done?  " 
"  You  see,  mamma,"  explained  Edith,  "  when 
you  write  '  Scat,'  you  put  a  hatpin  after  it,  and 
when  you  ask  a  question  then  you  put  down  a 
button  hook." 

GET  ACQUAINTED 

A  minister  of  a  fashionable  church  in  Newark 
had  always  left  the  greeting  of  strangers  to  be 
attended  to  by  the  ushers,  until  he  read  the 
newspaper  articles  in  reference  to  the  matter. 

"  Suppose  a  representative  should  visit  our 
church? "  said  his  wife.  "  Wouldn't  it  be 
awful?  » 

"  It  would,"  the  minister  admitted. 

The  following  Sunday  evening  he  noticed  a 
plainly  dressed  woman  in  one  of  the  free  pews. 
She  sat  alone  and  was  clearly  not  a  member  of 
the  flock.  After  the  benediction  the  minister 
hastened  and  intercepted  her  at  the  door. 

"  How  do  you  do?  "  he  said,  offering  his  hand. 
"  I  am  very  glad  to  have  you  with  us." 

"  Thank  you,"  replied  the  young  woman. 

"  I  hope  we  may  see  you  often  in  our  church 
home,"  he  went  on.  "  We  are  always  glad  to 
welcome  new  faces." 

"  Yes,  sir." 

84 


"  Do  you  live  in  this  parish?  "  he  asked. 

The  girl  looked  blank. 

"  If  you  will  give  me  your  address  my  wife 
and  I  will  call  on  you  some  evening." 

"  You  wouldn't  need  to  go  far,  sir,"  said  the 
young  woman,  "  I'm  your  cook!  " 

US  CHICKENS 

It  was  a  dark  night,  and  the  owner  of  the 
chicken  coop,  gun  in  hand,  was  investigating 
certain  suspicious  noises  he  had  heard. 

"  Who's  in  there? "  he  called  at  the  open 
window. 

Erastus,  inside,  replied  softly  and  reassur- 
ingly: "  Ain't  nobody  heah  'cep'n'  us  chickens." 

ALL  KINDS 

"  Football! "  growled  the  angry  father. 
"  Ugh! " 

"  But  surely,"  said  his  friend,  "  your  son  won 
high  honors  in  football  at  his  college?  " 

"  He  did!  "  assented  the  father. 

"  First  he  was  a  quarterback  —  " 

"  Yes." 

"  Then  a  halfback  —  " 

"  Yes." 

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mui 

"  Then  a  fullback  —  " 
"  Yes." 

"  And  now  —  what  is  he  now?  " 
"  Now,"  roared  the  father,  "  he  is  a  hunch- 
back! " 

TURN  AROUND 

Lady  (on  the  Railway)  --  Please,  sir,  will 
you  help  me  to  get  out  at  the  next  station? 

Gentleman  —  Why,  certainly,  ma'am. 

Lady  —  You  see,  sir,  it's  this  way.  Being 
rather  stout,  I  have  to  turn  around  and  get  out 
backward,  and  the  porters  always  think  I  am 
getting  in,  so  they  push  me  back  into  the  car- 
riage and  say,  "  Hurry  up,  ma'am! "  I've 
passed  four  stations  that  way  already. 

WAGNER  TABOOED 

An  organ  grinder,  whose  repertoire  consisted 
largely  of  old-fashioned  Italian  melodies  and 
operatic  selections,  played  one  or  two  of  them 
before  a  suburban  house.  There  happened  to 
be  a  party  of  music-loving  people  on  the  porch 
-  devotees  of  Wagner. 

The  host,  whose  hair  was  long  and  brushed 
pompadour,  beckoned  to  the  man. 

"  I  should  be  glad,"  said  he,  with  a  lofty 

86 


mm 

manner,  "  if  you  would  kindly  play  a  few 
selections  from  Wagner." 

Immediately  the  organ  grinder,  throwing  up 
his  hands  wildly,  replied: 

"  Wagner  I  Wagner!  Not  for  fifty  dollars. 
I  breaks  three  organ  an'  killa  two  monk,  wid 
your  Wagner!  I  play  him  no  more!  " 

HIS  DREADFUL  NICKNAME 

"  I  hope  they  don't  give  my  little  boy  any 
naughty  nicknames  in  school?  " 

"  Yes,  ma,  they  call  me  Corns.' 

"  How  dreadful!  And  why  do  they  call  you 
that?  " 

"  'Cause  I'm  always  at  the  foot  of  the  class." 

MERELY  CONVERSATIONAL 

Irving  Bacheller,  it  appears,  was  on  a  tramping 
tour  through  New  England.  He  discovered  a 
chin-bearded  patriarch  on  a  roadside  rock. 

"  Fine  corn,"  said  Mr.  Bacheller,  tentatively, 
using  a  hillside  filled  with  straggling  stalks  as  a 
means  of  breaking  the  conversational  ice. 

"  Best  in  Massachusetts,"  said  the  sitter. 

"  How  do  you  plow  that  field?  "  asked  Mr. 
Bacheller.     "  It  is  so  very  steep." 
87 


mm 

"  Don't  plow  it,"  said  the  sitter.  "  When  the 
spring  thaws  come,  the  rocks  rolling  down  hill 
tear  it  up  so  that  we  can  plant  corn." 

"  And  how  do  you  plant  it? "  asked  Mr. 
Bacheller.  The  sitter  said  that  he  didn't  plant  it, 
really.  He  stood  hi  his  back  door  and  shot  the 
seed  hi  with  a  shotgun. 

"  Is  that  the  truth?  "  asked  Bacheller. 

"  H — 11  no,"  said  the  sitter,  disgusted. 
"  That's  conversation." 

A  LETTER  TO  THE  ANGELS 

They  are  considerate  youngsters  hi  Notting- 
ham, as  most  people  know.  A  little  boy  whose 
grandmother  had  just  died  wrote  the  following 
letter,  which  he  duly  posted: 

"  Dear  Angels:  —  We  have  sent  you  grandma. 
Please  give  her  a  harp  to  play,  as  she  is  short- 
winded  and  can't  blow  a  trumpet." 

IMPRESSED 

The  June  bride  frowned. 

"  These  tomatoes,"  she  said,  "  are  just  twice 
as  dear  as  those  across  the  street.  Why  is 
it?" 

88 


"  Ah,  ma'am,  these  "  —  and  the  grocer  smiled 
—  "  these  are  hand  picked." 
She  blushed. 

"  Of  course,"  she  said  hastily;  "  I  might  have 
known.  Give  me  a  bushel,  please." 

DOUBLY  SURE 

In  one  of  the  smaller  cities  of  New  England 
there  was  an  Episcopal  church,  which  had  two 
mission  chapels,  commonly  known  as  the  East 
End  Mission  and  the  North  End  Mission,  from 
the  parts  of  the  city  where  they  were  respectively 
located.  One  day  the  rector  gave  out  the 
notices,  in  his  most  distinguished,  high-church 
tone,  as  follows:  "  There  will  be  a  service  at 
the  North  End  Mission  at  three  o'clock,  and  at 
the  East  End  at  five.  Children  will  be  baptized 
at  both  ends." 

ALREADY  TAKEN 

A  Mormon  wife,  coming  down  stairs  one 
morning,  met  the  physician  who  was  attending 
her  husband. 

"  Is  he  very  ill?  "  she  asked,  anxiously. 

"  He  is,"  replied  the  physician.  "  I  fear  that 
the  end  is  not  far  off." 

89 


mm 

"  Do  you  think,"  she  asked,  hesitatingly  - 
"  do  you  think  it  proper  that  I  should  be  at  his 
bedside  during  his  last  moments?  " 

"  Yes.  But  I  advise  you  to  hurry,  madam. 
The  best  places  are  already  being  taken." 

WAITING 

Bobby  —  Make  a  noise  like  a  frog,  uncle. 
Uncle  —  Why? 

Bobby  —  'Cause  when  I  ask  daddy  for  any- 
thing he  says,  "  Wait  till  your  uncle  croaks." 

A  PROVERB 

A  gentleman  who  had  been  in  Chicago  only 
three  days,  but  who  had  been  paying  attention 
to  a  prominent  Chicago  belle,  wanted  to  pro- 
pose, but  was  afraid  he  would  be  thought  too 
hasty.  He  delicately  broached  the  subject  as 
follows:  "  If  I  were  to  speak  to  you  of  mar- 
riage, after  having  only  made  your  acquaintance 
three  days  ago,  what  would  you  say  of  it?  " 
"  Well,  I  should  say,  never  put  off  till  to- 
morrow that  which  should  have  been  done  the 
day  before  yesterday." 

SYMPATHETIC 

A  French  general's  wife,  whose  tongue-lashing 
ability  was  far-famed,  demanded   that  an  old 
90 


33(11! 

servant,  who  had  served  with  her  husband  in 
the  wars,  be  dismissed.  "  Jacques,"  said  the 
general,  "go  to  your  room  and  pack  your  trunk 
and  leave  —  depart."  The  old  Frenchman 
clasped  his  hands  to  his  heart  with  dramatic 
joy.  "  Me  —  I  can  go!  "  he  exclaimed  in  a 
very  ecstasy  of  gratitude.  Then  suddenly  his 
manner  changed,  as  with  the  utmost  compas- 
sion he  added:  "  But  you,  my  poor  general  — 
you  must  stay." 

SEVERE  ENGAGEMENT 

An  Irish  soldier  was  recently  given  leave  of 
absence  the  morning  after  pay  day.  When  his 
leave  expired  he  didn't  appear.  He  was  brought 
at  last  before  the  commandant  for  sentence,  and 
the  following  dialogue  is  recorded: 

"  Well,  Murphy,  you  look  as  if  you  had  had 
a  severe  engagement." 

"  Yes,  sur." 

"  Have  you  any  money  left?  " 

"  No,  sur." 

"  You  had  $35  when  you  left  the  fort,  didn't 
you?  " 

"  Yes,  sur." 

"  What  did  you  do  with  it?  " 
91 


mm 

"  Well,  sur,  I  was  walking  along  and  I  met  a 
friend,  and  we  went  into  a  place  and  spint  $8. 
Thin  we  came  out  and  I  met  another  friend  and 
we  spint  $8  more,  and  thin  I  come  out  and  we 
met  another  friend  and  we  spint  $8  more,  and 
thin  we  come  out  and  we  met  another  bunch  of 
friends,  and  I  spint  $8  more  —  and  thin  I  come 
home." 

"  But,  Murphy,  that  makes  only  $32.  What 
did  you  do  with  the  other  $3? "  Murphy 
thought.  Then  he  shook  his  head  slowly  and 
said: 

"  I  dunno,  colonel,  I  reckon  I  must  have 
squandered  that  money  foolishly." 

DIFFERENT  NOW 

Captain  (receiving  the  new  middy)  —  Well, 
boy,  the  old  story,  I  suppose  —  fool  of  the 
family  sent  to  sea?  "  Oh,  no,  sir,"  piped  the 
boy;  "  that's  all  altered  since  your  day." 

FOR  CONVENIENCE 

Three  doctors  were  operating  on  a  man  for 
appendicitis.  After  the  operation  was  com- 
pleted one  of  the  doctors  missed  a  small  sponge. 
The  patient  was  reopened,  the  sponge  found 

92 


mm 

within,  and  the  man  served  up  again.  Im- 
mediately the  second  doctor  missed  a  needle. 
Again  the  patient  was  opened  and  closed.  Then 
the  third  doctor  missed  a  pair  of  scissors. 
"  Gentlemen,"  said  the  victim  as  they  were 
about  to  open  him  up  again,  "  for  heaven's  sake, 
if  you're  going  to  keep  this  up,  put  buttons  on 
me." 

WHO  SWIPED  IT? 

Judge  (sternly  to  Pat  and  Mike,  who  have 
been  arrested  for  righting)  —  Now,  which  one 
of  you  took  the  initiative? 

Prisoners  (in  unison)  —  Begorra,  sir,  not  I; 
wan  of  the  bystanders  must  have  swiped  it. 

PESSIMISTIC 

Jennie  —  What  makes  George  such  a  pessi- 
mist? 

Jack  —  Well,  he's  been  married  three  times 
—  once  for  love,  once  for  money  and  the  last 
time  for  a  home. 

ADDING  INJURY  TO  INSULT 

"  Well,  did  he  pay  you?  "  asked  the  wife  of 
a  dentist  who  had  been  to  collect  a  bill  for  a  full 

93 


mm 

set  of  false  teeth  that  he  had  made  for  a  man 
almost  a  year  before. 

"  Pay  me!  "  growled  the  dentist.  "  Not  only 
did  he  refuse  to  pay  me,  but  he  actually  had  the 
effrontery  to  gnash  at  me  —  with  my  teeth!  " 


MY,  HOW  CARELESS 

A  country  barber  cut  a  customer's  cheek  four 
times  while  shaving  him. 

"  Oh,  dear  me!  how  careless!  "  exclaimed  the 
razor  wielder  after  the  infliction  of  each  wound. 

When  the  shave  was  over  the  customer  took 
a  glassful  of  water  and  at  every  mouthful  shook 
his  head  from  side  to  side. 

"  Anything  the  matter?  "  the  barber  asked. 

"  No,"  was  the  reply.  "  I  only  wanted  to  see 
if  my  mouth  would  still  hold  water  without 
leaking!  " 

A  PAIR  FOR  SOMEBODY 

A  through  train  on  the  Rock  Island  stopped 
a  few  moments  at  the  Englewood  station  the 
other  day.  A  passenger  got  off  to  walk  around 
a  little.  As  the  train  began  to  move  again  the 
passenger  jumped  aboard,  but  just  then  he  dis- 
94 


miu 

covered  that  he  had  but  one  overshoe.  Thinking 
that  he  dropped  the  other  somewhere  on  the 
platform,  and,  as  the  train  was  going  too  fast 
for  him  to  jump  off  and  recover  it,  he  pulled  off 
the  remaining  shoe  and  threw  it  on  the  platform, 
exclaiming:  "  There,  that  makes  a  good  pair  of 
overshoes  for  somebody."  Entering  the  car,  he 
proceeded  to  his  seat.  There,  to  his  great  aston- 
ishment, was  his  overshoe.  A  look  of  intense 
disgust  came  upon  his  face,  but  he  did  not  hesi- 
tate. Quickly  picking  up  the  lone  arctic,  he 
hurried  to  the  platform,  threw  the  shoe  as  far 
as  he  could  back  toward  the  other  one,  and 
shouted:  "  By  jimminy,  there  is  a  pair  of  over- 
shoes for  somebody! " 

A  "ROAST"  ALL  AROUND 

The  minister  had  just  finished  a  little  opening 
talk  to  the  children,  preparatory  to  the  morning 
service,  when  Mrs.  Berkeley  suddenly  realized, 
with  all  the  agony  of  a  careful  housewife,  that 
she  had  forgotten  to  turn  the  gas  off  from  the 
oven  in  which  she  had  left  a  nicely  cooked  roast, 
all  ready  for  the  final  reheating.  Visions  of  a 
ruined  dinner  and  a  smoky  kitchen  roused  her  to 
immediate  effort,  and,  borrowing  a  pencil  from 
the  young  man  hi  front,  she  scribbled  a  note. 


mm 

Just  then  her  husband,  an  usher  in  the  church, 
passed  her  pew.  With  a  murmured  "  Hurry!  " 
she  thrust  the  note  into  his  hand,  and  he,  with 
an  understanding  nod,  turned,  passed  up  the 
aisle,  and  handed  the  note  to  the  minister.  Mrs. 
Berkeley  saw  the  act  hi  speechless  horror,  and 
shuddered  as  she  saw  the  minister  smilingly 
open  the  note  and  begin  to  read.  But  her  ex- 
pression of  dismay  was  fully  equalled  by  the 
look  of  amazement  and  wrath  on  the  good  man's 
face  as  he  read  the  words,  "  Go  home  and  turn 
off  the  gas! " 

BOTH  LOOK  SUSPICIOUS 

"  Mose,  what  is  the  difference  between  a 
bucket  of  milk  in  a  rain  storm  and  a  conversa- 
tion between  two  confidence  men?  " 

"Say,  boss,  dat  nut  am  too  hard  to  crack; 
I'se  gwine  to  give  it  up." 

"  Well,  Mose,  one  is  a  thinning  scheme  and  the 
other  is  a  skinning  theme." 


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A     000  605  469     6 


